A huge swelling of pride

I finally sent 105.1 the buzz an email thanking them for their news of the weird, because I wouldnt know how well endowed I was without it. I hope they read it over the radio.

More than a feeling-Boston

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

Its more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
till I see marianne walk away
I see my marianne walkin away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky

Its more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
till I see marianne walk away
I see my marianne walkin away

When Im tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped awa y. she slipped away.

Its more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
till I see marianne walk away
I see my marianne walkin away


Yup.. that about sums it all up right now..

Im just feeling really lonely right now.

Thats not the shape of my heart

To those of you who know. Thanks for the support. Ive chosen the high road, to be the moral man I know I am. I just needed to clear my head. A special thanks to Duc and Abe, you guys rock.

Too Long

I just finished watching Enter the Ninja.
Its been too long since I visited Taisho and the white lions. Ive got school, Ive got a job.
I think its been far too long since I dedicated myself to my martial art. The one Ive always known to be mine. Not the San Soo Ive learned, not the Tai Chi or the Pukulan Ive experimented with, not just the meditations I do. Its time I rededicated myself to Taijutsu. Im going to go back, but this time, as the better, stronger person that I am.

Never Again

The first four weeks of our frinq class are all philosophy. We read the excerpt from Plato's Republic, why be moral? We discussed in our mentor session when do we feel it is morally acceptable to steal, to lie, to kill. We were discussing where our moral boundries lie and why we place them where we do. It started out in three small groups randomly assigned by number. But by the end 2/3rds were just listening to me speak. The mentor, the students, even the married guy with a daughter and a self proclaimed anger problem. I looked up from my group when I finished talking about my understandings of the morals of human's where mine come from etc and everyone was staring at me, almost in awe. It was kind of scary, but I guess when you spend as much time thinking about and discussing the ways and mysteries of life the universe and everything as I do you are going to get interested looks.

When we started talking about when it is morally acceptable to kill people I laid my thoughts and experiences out there. All throughout middle school I had to defend myself. I was always getting attacked by people for no other reason than I wasnt rich like them and I didnt subscribe to their elitest clique bullshit. I cant even count how many times I got jumped by two, three, even four people at once. I never lost, and I think eventually it became a game to them, to see how many it would take to break me. I have had to really, really hurt people. I have broken bones, I have knocked people out, I have cut people. I have stooped to the lowest level of fighting, where you are no longer in control of yourself but rather become more like a beast. But I have never killed anyone. I always stopped short of actually taking life. I have always shown the propper respect to the technique ron, my san soo instructor, taught me and never actually used it on someone. I cant imagine having to go to such an extent to have to turn someone into a head with no working parts for the rest of their lives. I think back to all the times I have had to hurt people in self defense and I mourn. I feel bad that it came to what it did. I feel bad that I couldnt reason with them and be more mature about it.

Ultimately this guilt is something I have rarely felt. I rarely act out of justification, but even all those times, I was justified, I feel like I could have stopped myself earlier on. But all that guilt pales in comparison to the guilt I feel for alienating one very specific person. I know that I will never be able to make things right with her. I think back and realize that though I have a strong sense of when to stop with physical violence and havent fought in such a way for almost a decade, I have little to no limiter on the mental and emotional stress I have caused on this person. I know that there will never be a way back, things can never be like they were. Because there is no reason for things to change between us. She would be a saint to even bare the sound of my voice again. I think back and wonder when it started getting sour. I dont know, its been too long. But this will be my new focus, this will be my next step in bettering myself. I will stop myself from ever letting it happen again. Because no matter what her steps were, Ive said what I said and did what I did. Its time I accepted my part in it and properly learned the lesson Ive had to teach myself.
..Never again....

What a feeling

What is it about embracing another person that feels so satisfying? Has it been so long since I last hugged someone that something so simple as a hug can feel so good? Was it the person? Or would anyone cause the same feeling? Maybe I just really needed a hug...