Never Again

The first four weeks of our frinq class are all philosophy. We read the excerpt from Plato's Republic, why be moral? We discussed in our mentor session when do we feel it is morally acceptable to steal, to lie, to kill. We were discussing where our moral boundries lie and why we place them where we do. It started out in three small groups randomly assigned by number. But by the end 2/3rds were just listening to me speak. The mentor, the students, even the married guy with a daughter and a self proclaimed anger problem. I looked up from my group when I finished talking about my understandings of the morals of human's where mine come from etc and everyone was staring at me, almost in awe. It was kind of scary, but I guess when you spend as much time thinking about and discussing the ways and mysteries of life the universe and everything as I do you are going to get interested looks.

When we started talking about when it is morally acceptable to kill people I laid my thoughts and experiences out there. All throughout middle school I had to defend myself. I was always getting attacked by people for no other reason than I wasnt rich like them and I didnt subscribe to their elitest clique bullshit. I cant even count how many times I got jumped by two, three, even four people at once. I never lost, and I think eventually it became a game to them, to see how many it would take to break me. I have had to really, really hurt people. I have broken bones, I have knocked people out, I have cut people. I have stooped to the lowest level of fighting, where you are no longer in control of yourself but rather become more like a beast. But I have never killed anyone. I always stopped short of actually taking life. I have always shown the propper respect to the technique ron, my san soo instructor, taught me and never actually used it on someone. I cant imagine having to go to such an extent to have to turn someone into a head with no working parts for the rest of their lives. I think back to all the times I have had to hurt people in self defense and I mourn. I feel bad that it came to what it did. I feel bad that I couldnt reason with them and be more mature about it.

Ultimately this guilt is something I have rarely felt. I rarely act out of justification, but even all those times, I was justified, I feel like I could have stopped myself earlier on. But all that guilt pales in comparison to the guilt I feel for alienating one very specific person. I know that I will never be able to make things right with her. I think back and realize that though I have a strong sense of when to stop with physical violence and havent fought in such a way for almost a decade, I have little to no limiter on the mental and emotional stress I have caused on this person. I know that there will never be a way back, things can never be like they were. Because there is no reason for things to change between us. She would be a saint to even bare the sound of my voice again. I think back and wonder when it started getting sour. I dont know, its been too long. But this will be my new focus, this will be my next step in bettering myself. I will stop myself from ever letting it happen again. Because no matter what her steps were, Ive said what I said and did what I did. Its time I accepted my part in it and properly learned the lesson Ive had to teach myself.
..Never again....