2 weeks

Im finally settled down at tam and jenelles. Ive got a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it.
2 weeks until Im finished with this term.
2 weeks to get my student aid figured out.
2 weeks to see if living here works out.
2 weeks to write 4-6 pages of essays.
2 weeks to master my japanese.
2 weeks to get a job
2 weeks.... Its going to be a busy 2 weeks. No time to rest. Got to finish this race.

S.A.D. .. here it comes again

Hello depression my old friend
Here to rear your ugly head again
Please go away, leave me be
I have no time to deal with me

15, 25, 45, 1 hour, 2
Where am I? How long have I been here?
The water has turned backwards from noon to nine.
But by now it feels like six.

The rain is cold and I am naked
But my pruned skin keeps me blanketed
Splish slash making ripples in the bath
Im playing in a stream, falling down the drain
I think its time to get out of this rain.

I opened the door
The cold wind greets me With a slap in the face
Just another day

Day by day I walk along
Waiting for the day Im not alone
Its the holidays be happy!

I am happy
If I say it enough maybe I will believe myself.

This blog is over 500

Wow, 500 profile views. Thanks to all my viewers out there in internet land. Glad someones reading this.

Time to give it the old one two

Alright... chest out, head high, stern upper lip. Now is the time for action. I can not let myself be overcome by the challenge in front of me. Time to push through all of this.

keep moving

Im worried. I dont have a job, I dont have a new place to live. I dont know if I want to live with jordan. Im down to my last $20. I lose internet on the twenty fifth so it will be much harder to find any of those things. To be honest, Im a little scared right now.
I feel like Im deaf dumb and blind. I dont know who to turn to or where to go.
I know things will get better, I just need to keep moving... things will get better.

Rest In Peace, Madison Peterson-Hill Part 3

I thought about Madison's death on the way to the funeral. I found myself thinking about the gross disregard for the sanctity of human life. How could someone do this to another human being? Part of me wanted to get angry... but I didnt. Instead I found myself pitying the murderers. I wept for the loss of such a young man just in the summer of his life.

From the car to the church were marines standing at attention holding American flags. It was difficult to maintain my composure. The funeral itself reminded me of a quaker style wedding, I can only guess their funerals would be in similar taste. They had large groups of people from various times and groups come forward to talk about the memories they shared and what a great person their friend was. How proud he had made them. I knew the stories from the people that knew him in elementary school were semi-embellished and so did they. But I think it was better this way.

The stories and memories of the more recent Madison clearly had no spin. I am glad to know that he was a much better person than I had known. I actually think that had I met him again later in his life we could have been better friends. I was truly amazed by how many peoples lives he had touched. There must have been 350 people there. All of whom had some kind of connection to Madison from some time in his life. I guess its not surprising to meet or know that many people in 22 years, rather what surprised me was that so many cared enough to come to his funeral.

The funeral was not what I had expected. I ended up sitting next to Alex Hernandez and
apparently two other people that knew me back when I was just a toddler. I guess they used to carpool with us. It was strange. I havent been back to that place since I left it behind me at the end of 8th grade. I no longer felt all the spite and malice towards its people. I guess that is a tribute to how far I have come since then.

As I left the funeral I stopped to think about my own life. The people I have known and who would actually come to my own funeral. I think mine would be pretty small in comparison. There would be my family of 10. Mithril would make a showing of at least 4, maybe a few more from the general community. My speaker sean, and the various friends Ive kept over the years would include jordan, brennan, kenny, sam, ben, both matts, john, kyle, linda, jerald, thomas, heather, brandon, josh... maybe some of my more recent friends in Patrick and Shoshana. Thats not too small a number I suppose. Its kind of sick but you can almost accurately measure your pace in life by how many people would come to your funeral. I will have to think about this more later...

Here is to you Madison. May your soul find rest until you are drawn back into life.
Fin

Rest In Peace, Madison Peterson-Hill Part 2

I just found out the details of Madison's death.
Turns out he was in Washington DC with his real father and girlfriend. He decided to go out for a jog. Some people in a car jumped him, beat him up, shot him, stole his wallet and threw him over a freeway over pass where he was hit by a SUV then another small car. They have already used his credit cards.

I will reflect on this later tonight after the funeral.

Gigati gigati goo he.. alright

one of the hot japanese teachers caught up with me after class and was asking lots of personal questions. She was shocked I am only 21. She thought I was a senior in college. Said I seemed so very mature. It was probably nothing but Im going to let my imagination run wild on this one.

Rest In Peace, Madison Peterson-Hill

I dont know what to say...
You werent the closest of friends with me. Actually more than anything you were a rival of mine. I hated you back then. Looking back on it, it wasnt you I hated but rather the world I was surrounded by. A world you crafted and permeated. You always were a leader of men. You were meant to be so much more than you realized. I didnt realize it myself back then in elementary school but I was always trying to beat your records, always striving to just once be faster, stronger or better than you in just one way. I dont even know why. You even joined the Marines when I myself considered it but walked away. I dont regret my decision... but it takes real balls to take that step. Its fucked up isnt it? You prepare yourself for your friends to die in combat but you never expect them to be killed while crossing the street.

Ive been thinking about the life you were given and the world you lived in. I wonder now... what life will you live the next trip around? Was your soul twisted and dark? Was it beautiful and strong? What will you experience the next time around?

I always expected to be the first of my friends to die. The headaches, the body pains, the danger I always seem to put myself in. Ive always had this kind of feeling for several years that I wouldnt make it past 25 years old. That might have just been me being pessimistic.

The man known as Madison Peterson-Hill is now dead, though his soul lives on. The journey of the soul is just beginning. Good luck and Gods speed. May you life a happier life the next time around.

Keeping my head forward towards tomorrow

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!


Ive decided... fuck it. What will be will be. If things get patched up, great. I wont hold any more grudges. I turned over a new leaf many many years ago. I think its time I let everyone else do the same.

Damnit Michael Bolton

I cant sleep tonight. It is really important that I get lots of sleep tonight and finish out this week strong, but I just cant seem to drift off. There is too much on my mind I guess. Mostly Michael Bolton songs stuck in my head. I try to push it out of my thoughts but then my thoughts go to guess who. We had a brief exchange on an image posting sight about a time we saw each other. She said she saw someone she thought looked like me, then went to go get coffee.

Heres the part that bothers me. I remember the faces of everyone I went to elementary school with. Hell Ive seen them some 10 years later and still recognized them, and Ive got a bad memory. Peoples faces dont change that much. Which leads me to believe either she was avoiding me or she honestly doesnt remember what my face looks like, which is kind of fucked up because Ive got one hell of a mug.

Its sad when I think about it. We used to be good friends, then one day she just decided she was going to write me off completely. Stopped talking to me. Then much later she came out of the blue and said she was ready to be friends again. I wasnt angry at her at all but I told her if she had beef with me she had better tell me or it wouldnt really resolve anything. We were cool again for a while then she stopped talking to me again. After this happened a second time I got a bit miffed and was distant the last time we hung out. Which I guess was reason enough for her to stop talking to me again. I dont understand her game.

Now I guess she doesnt recognize me anymore. I can rack my brain all night about this and ultimately I just have to say I dont know why. I dont know why she got mad at me the first time because she never told me. I dont know why or how many times she got mad at me again, because she never told me. And now I dont know why she is avoiding me or has actually forgotten my face.. because she doesnt ever tell me why she is upset. Actually now that I think about it.. even if she saw someone that looked like me then that means she does remember what I look like but wasnt interested in seeing if it was me. Which means she's avoiding me.

I guess it ultimately doesnt matter. Because the reality of the situation is that she doesnt tell me anything, wont tell me anything, is apparently avoiding me, which means she isnt interested in engaging me when the situation arises. Maybe she just needs some time away.

Wiki's definition of a friend is this:
Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
• sympathy and empathy,
• honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• mutual understanding.

I have always desired what is best for her, I always tried to give her good advice and wish her the best even when I had my heart broken, but that was ok because I was still a friend to her. I was always empathetic with her situations. I have always been honest with her about everything especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart. And I have always tried to maintain mutual understanding with her.

I finally stopped putting any effort into the friendship and just as I foresaw, and I must admit, she offers none of the same. There is no friendship. But I guess I should have expected this from the beginning when I said absolute honesty is key for any relationship even friendships and she said she disagreed and that privacy was more important.

We go through life, learning the lessons. This is one I have learned before but unfortunately this time my dance partner didnt want to learn the steps. Its too bad, she was a great friend once upon a time in a galaxy far far away... maybe if Im lucky there will be a sequel or a prequel one day.

Damnit Michael Bolton... now you are all thats keeping me awake

Mohandas karamchand Gandhi

Ive been thinking about a lot of things lately. Most notably the time Linda, Brita and I spent at Chang's Mongolian Grill. I guess you could call it girl talk on a rather intellectual level. We talked about the relationships we had been in, but not just the stories... also who we were and how we were back then. Why we did the things we did. Linda and Brita have known each other for a long time and have seen the way each other have grown. They are both very remarkable people. But what has been on my mind is something that the two of them kept going back to when referring to a few of their friends or ex's. That they seemed to be people who always were looking to see the bad in people. They were the kind of people who didnt trust anyone because they were expecting to be betrayed or some such worry. At the time I just said that I dont understand how someone can live like that, expecting the worst of people. But the truth is I totally understood. I used to be the same way. I saw the destruction and warped minds of people and the lives they lived. I used to trust nobody at all. I was a very heartless person, I didnt even trust my own parents not to off me in the night. Not that I was paranoid of it, but rather wouldnt be surprised.

It wasnt until a very close and personal friend of mine many years ago told me that they trusted me even though they didnt know much about me at the time. This was something amazing to me as I didnt even much trust my own shadow. That one comment from a friend was the first thing to pierce my rotten twisted hardened heart. Since that day my life has had its ups and downs, but I have grown in a direction greater than I could ever have imagined. It has been years since I reformed and instead I see the good in everyone. I guess I see it as, "if I had good in me then everyone must". Truth be told this is a huge part of why I want to teach high school. I want to be the teacher that believes in his angsty students. I want to help them see the good in life before they enter the real world as lost children amongst hungry tigers. The world in general seems to swallow up good people, but I want to change that for the new generations. The catcher in the rye if you will.
I am reminded of one of the worlds greatest teachers... "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"- Mohandas Gandhi

life finds ways to teach you things

haha, sometimes life has a real funny way of teaching you things.
In the last few weeks Ive met quite possibly the most abrasive person I have ever met. Ive never found myself to be trying to be rid of someone quite like this before. I mean really... asking me to call them when they get home and when I get out of class and texting me every day about what they are upset about now... honestly... I feel bad for how I must have seemed to priscilla. I rarely vented to her, actually it was usually me listening to all the drama in her life about her friends, school, her parents a lot, her brother and on occasion her blood thing... and giving her advice. And now that I think about it more, when I did want to talk to her about stuff she tried to distance herself and said I was being clingy...wow that was a really one sided friendship... I dont regret it, actually this whole thing has taught me a lot.

But now that Ive got someone who is being really clingy I feel kind of bad for how she must have felt. When I did want to talk to her about things I must have come on really strong. Next time she and I actually do get into contact I will have to remember to apologize. I guess you cant expect someone to be willing to just hold you up. Ive learned this:
You can not make your way into someones life once they decide they have no interest in sharing it with you.