Wrong Planet

Turns out what I thought was Venus... its Jupiter

Hints from Venus

I wasnt initially going to mention this because I didnt want to think about other girls in my future.
In my dream that I posted from Friday/Saturday night I was running around the afor mentioned reocurring location with a large group of girls. I was the only guy among them. We were all laughing and having fun. At the end of the dream I was walking next to a girl with dark hair, she wasnt part of the pack of girls before. She looked familiar but I couldnt really place her. We walked away, just the two of us. She took my hand with one of her fingers and we were in love.

Now I usually have prophetic dreams about people that will have a profound impact on my life. The universe sends me hints this way. Ive had dreams with zaamen, tam, ally, priscilla, shoshana and charlotte all before I met them.

Now I wonder who this girl is going to be. I guess she and I will come together after running around with a bunch of other girls. I hate to think of myself that way, but Im not surprised if thats how things end up.

Now for the probably pointless/hopeful drawing of strange conclusions. The very next day Charlotte dyed her hair black. At least for right now, I really hope that she was the girl in the dream and that she is familiar but I couldnt place her because she will have discovered who she is and changed into the different person she wants to be by then. Who knows. Maybe its someone much better suited for me. I guess Ill have to wait and see.

Epic day is Epic

Today was an epic day, but not really for any reason.
I got up and went to salem. Did my job and got home. I was going to go to sams and rework my warlock. But apparently no one else was answering their phone so alex had to cancel it.
That was a bummer. When I came home sean and I played R6V2. Made some strong headway, I think we will beat it soon. After that we got some taco bell, watched the pilot to Curb your enthusiasm (hilarious). At that point I had to decide whether I was going to go back to salem tonight or wait till tomorrow. I chose to wait till tomorrow, but in the mean time I still had to drive my paperwork to HQ. On the way I felt really strange. I must have had a large adrenaline dump. I dont know. But the moment I started driving I felt like I wanted to do something wild and fun. I wanted to go sky diving, bunji jumping. Ive been so surrounded by my thoughts and by serious conversation that I just had an immense urge to go have fun. I wanted to socialize, I wanted to meet people. On the way back I was just driving around for fun. I sped up and slowed down to look at people in their cars. At one point a car of about 4 girls all started cheering and whistling at me, which was really wierd because I wasnt doing anything at all. I think maybe they thought I was someone else. Either way it felt good to just get out of the apartment and enjoy myself. I really want to get a bunch of people together and just enjoy ourselves. Hot tubbing is definitely in order.

Once I got back home sean and I watched the first episode of this season's ultimate fighter. It was much better than I expected and Im looking forward to more episodes. After that I checked my email while sean was setting up Western Django Sukiyaki (a fucking awesome movie) I noticed Charlotte was on and I was going to start chatting with her but the movie started. I hoped she'd be on when I got back. Unfortunately she wasnt. Oh well. Another time I suppose.

Now its late and Im trying to get some sleep.

late night

Just finished watching when harry met sally again.
Its late and Ive got a busy day tomorrow. Ive got to be up early. I should go to bed. After watching the movie I just feel really lonely. I miss Charlotte, it'll be two weeks since I saw her last this Monday. We used to not go more than four days without seeing each other. I really miss her little snort when she laughed hard. I just want school to start back up so I can really dive into something. It kind of figures that now that my work schedule has died down to very little I dont have anyone to spend the time with. Oh well, here's to trying to get some sleep tonight.

Its not me

Im not normally the kind of guy to even think something like this....
But god damn... I need a good fuck. Just good, no strings attached, wild sex.
I almost feel like checking out one of those adult friend finder sites. I know its a really bad idea, and thats just not me... but Im going to ravage the next piece of ass I get.

Im just really sexually frustrated right now

A place for my dreams

Every now an again I have a dream, usually the dreams I actually remember are prophetic.
I had a dream last night. It was a strange dream. Its not one of my reoccuring dreams yet it was in a reocuring place. In the country somewhere, with a barn and house with a lot of strange passageways winding around, up and down a room divided by sheets. Its kind of strange but not scary at all, kind of like a fun house.

In other news, Venus has been viewable almost every night for several days, I never used to stop and notice how long she stayed around in September.

Wake me up when september ends

This month has just been kind of shitty.
Its been mostly trying to deal with Charlotte breaking up with me
Trying to deal with Tony's death
Almost dieing myself
Dealing with Smokey dieing.
Im starting to wonder what is going to happen next week.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

I have never dealt with break ups well. When dealing with Charlotte breaking up with me I have had moments when I dealt with it really well, and moments when I just lose that strength. But I have never even had the stronger moments before. This is something Ive been thinking about lately. Charlotte more than anyone else ever, has seen the good the bad and the ugly in me now. And its that ugly bad at breakups part of me that I most need to change. It will be the biggest personal growth for me, and it is now going to be my focus.

Heres to you Tony Touch

Heres to you Tony Touch
This one goes out to you
And to every man who just wants to be free
For every man with the same spirit of tonys
For unguarded smiles
For flying off into the distance
For always knowing WHO YOU ARE
For always BEING WHO YOU ARE
For always LOVING WHO YOU ARE
For calling the world on its bullshit
For telling others you dont give a fuck
For living in a world undeserving of your honesty
For living in a world undeserving of your heart
For living in a world undeserving of your soul
Heres to the freedom of the open road
Heres to the freedom of the open sky
Heres to you Tony
My Friend
This one goes out to you
May I find you again in another life

Here Here

Done

Im so very done with this

This Bed

Im so lonely, I feel so alone right now. More than anything I want her to be here. I want to reach over and feel her hand in mine. I want to feel her heartbeat against my chest. I want to look into her eyes and know that she's there, that she loves me.

The ice cream didnt help, I cant sleep. I want to get in my car and drive away. Just disappear for a while.

Fly

I love my car
I love my job
I love being on the job late at night, listening to music and driving on an open road.
My car is my freedom, I can at a moments notice drive across town to see my sister and brother in law who are suddenly at my parents house.
Sometimes when Im driving I feel like my car could sprout wings and fly. Its my happy thoughts, my pixie dust, it takes me away to never never land.

Midnight Show

I know what you want
I gonna take you a midnight show tonight
If you can keep a secret
I got a blanket in the back seat on my mind
And a little place that sits beneath the sky
She turned her face to speak
But no-one heard her cry
Drive faster, boy
Drive faster, boy

I know there's a hope
There's too many people trying to help me cope
You got a real short skirt
I wanna look up, look up, look up, yeah yeah

We were just in time
Let me take a little more off your mind
There's something in my head
Somewhere in the back said
We were just a good thing
We were such a good thing

Make it go away without a word
But promise me you'll stay
And fix these things I've hurt
Oh make it go away!

Drive faster, boy

The crashing tide can hide a guilty girl
With jealous hearts that start with gloss and curls
I took my baby's breath beneath the chandelier
Of stars and atmosphere
And watched her disappear
Into the midnight show

faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster
no no no no no no no no no no no no

If you keep a secret
Well baby I can keep
Baby, keep a secret

(She said she loved me)

If you keep a secret,
I can keep a secret

(She said she loved me)

If you can keep a secret
Well baby I can keep,
Baby keep a secret

_______________________

Why is it that two people who love each other arent together? I love her, she loves me. Why isnt that enough?

Shes going on a date with Marc on what would have been our 4 month anniversary, only two weeks after we broke up. :(

One of those days

Its been one of those days where so much has happened and Ive had so many variable random thoughts that I just cant possibly put them all down, let alone think about Kcon. With the day behind me all thats left is the night. Charlotte hasnt been reachable at all. Im worried. Its going to be one of those nights.

Kcon, more later

I can still feel her kiss vibrating on my lips. More on Kcon later after D&D.

Best Night In a Long Time!

It all started with Tam picking me up. We went downtown to reg for kcon. While there I saw the hot yojimbo, Im glad shes there again this year. Last year me and Duc just kind of chatted her up a bunch while she stood guarding one of the adult panels. Ive always planned on joining the yojimbo once I didnt have anyone to go to the con with. That might be next year, we'll see.

As we left the con space, swag bags in tow, we decided to call up Jenell and her friend Steve to go to dinner. As we left Tams house to find dinner Tam and I were horsing around a bit, just a little slowmo kungfu. He punched me pretty solidly on the right side of my chest. I didnt budge. It didnt hurt at all. In fact my chest blew out his shoulder. He was nursing it the rest of the night, thats what happens when you punch someone built like a Tank! XD

Originally we were going to go to Toshi's but they were full and we didnt want to wait. Thus we decided to head down to the Macaroni Grill. Dinner was very eventful, the kind of dinner conversation I cant get from anyone but tam and jenell's gang. I really miss hanging with them. Our waiter was a bit odd. He really seemed to like me, what with standing really close to me and puting his hand on my neck down the back of my shirt. Id say it was creepy but he was a really charismatic, handsome black guy. Too bad for him Im not into guys.

After dinner we dropped off steve. Tam, Jenell and I stayed around watching TV for a bit. I got bored and tired so I asked Tam to take me home. On the way home he said hes never taken german town road in his new Lancer. I said... "Lets do it". We spent the next hour driving Germantown Rd and Skyline Rd in the dark, in the rain, with the windows down.... between 60 and 85 mph... around 25 to 35 recommended mph turns. Holy shit his Lancer can take turns. It was such an adrenaline rush. I needed that so bad, Ive missed out on airsoft for a good two months and this was just what the doctored prescribed. It was thrilling, scary, and so much fun. There were several times when if not for my seat belt and "Oh Shit Handle" I would have been tossed out the passenger window. Initial D stuff. We are definitely going to have to find some less populated roads and do it again sometime.

With our eyes still watering and hand still numb from the oh shit handle we headed home. Talked to sean a bit and now its the waiting game. At some point Charlottes going to give me a call to come pick her up. Then more waiting, early wake up, more waiting, and con time.

Tam and I have decided we are going to do everything in our power to make this con the most enjoyable con experience for us ever.

Here comes the weekend....

A little green

This is probably bad to say, but I kind of like it when she gets jealous. It shows me that she really does still care on some level.

My Second Mistake

After some thinking Ive discovered what my second mistake was with my relationship with Charlotte. I wish I could go back and change it, but I cant be the one to undo it, that would require her.

Its funny... people like me wait to get into relationships. We dont go from person to person willy nilly. We spend most of our time single. And when we do finally find someone we connect with, someone we can really love and let that really take hold of us. We make mistakes. We make mistakes that a more experienced person wouldnt make. We make mistakes that when we go back and think about it, we say "Really? I did that? What the fuck was I thinking?!". We make mistakes on the relationships that really count, the ones that we really want to see go far, and we pay for that inexperience, for our self-righteousness. We burn ourselves.

I believe I now know largely what caused her love to wain. And its all my fault.
Ive made my mistake, I wont ever make it again. I played myself the fool again.