This Will Not Be My Life!

This morning I went over to my parents house after dropping Briita off at work. I had a long discussion with my dad as to where the world is going, where it is now and how it used to be. We talked about everything from aspirations to gravestones in cemeteries. Mostly we talked about family systems. I cant help but look at my parents and see myself in them. This scares me... I'm living off unemployment, foodstamps, and my girlfriend. My parents are in similar dire straights. They have a government contract, but they cant get the credit to buy the parts for it. They seem to rarely eat and they dont know how they will get around to retireing. Here I am nearly two months later and it feels like this is it. It feels like I might spend forever here looking for work. Yet with school so close no one will hire someone who is going to leave in January. Still, January seems so far away. Somehow I have to make it through this christmas season, I feel so pathetic... Im 23, I am living away from home and I still feel like a kid who cant buy christmas gifts for people. God I hate this...
All this is really reafirming my plans... because I wont live this life... I wont get used to this... I have to finish school because I am still only 23, there is a lot of world to see, and there are venues for me to get there. I just have to keep chasing this bus, I know it will stop for me in two years.

Come with me if you want adventure

I added some friends of mine to facebook a little while ago, and they were looking through my pictures and where amazed. They wanted to know how long I was in the military and where I went off to on an indiana jones adventure.

I told them right away of course that it was all just airsoft

but there was something about that, that got me thinking

We dont live in movies, we dont always get to live lives that are amazing. A lot of people live in a world where their day to day drudgery is their lives, and the weekends might be a break where they wait until they start more day to day stuff. But I live a life that a lot of people dream about, that a lot of people want to have. I get to go out and lead a group of great friends out on a field and have a fun time. I have pictures and stories of rediculous adventures that can only exist in something make believe like movies or airsoft. And all this in a wierd way helped remind me a little bit of the kind of person I am... I am the kind of person that people want to have lead them, I am the kind of friend that people trust, I am the kind of person that takes people out of their day to day and takes them on adventures (in airsoft or otherwise). And in that I can at least accept a small amount of self worth. There is still a lot for me to chew threw, but it was a refreshing feeling.

Theres nothing more important to me than saving people. Whether its from themselves, their past, their future or from their day to day drudgery. Thats why I want to be a teacher.

Atlas

Wow, here I am again feeling totally overwhelmed. Ive got a history paper thats been in the works for a long time and I just have not been able to get any work done on. Being unable to find enough resources I decided to start over with a subject I could get more material on. That being said its 4-7 pages and its due Thursday. Did I mention I have to do all the build up assignments to the paper now that Ive changed my subject? That means I need to do a subject paragraph, a bibliography, and a thesis and outline. Which I suppose will sort of make itself if I ever finish the paper.

I havent been able to force myself to get up and get to class at all lately which has shown itself in my physical geology class. Right now I'm barely maintaining a C. Im worried it will drastically effect my HST class too because he does take roll and I havent been able to drag myself out of bed in the mornings.

My car is being shitty, shouldnt be that bad, just a $75 fix... hopefully.

I just got handed the position of co-director, thats what Im calling it for now, with two others in my airsoft team while abe is away in Japan for the next 9-12 months. At first I was hesitant because its a lot of responsibility to take on, but the more I think about it the more I really want it. This team has meant a lot to me the last three or four years, it has been here for me and helped me out in tough situations and for that I want to be able to lead it to something great.

I was at one point playing three different D&D campaigns and when two of them ended I swore to myself that I would never do that many because it took way too much time away from homework... well now I am only playing in one... but I am DMing two. My sacrifices have unfortunately been effecting my ability to DM effective campaigns. Note to self or others, dont DM multiple games unless you have a ton of time to put into making them good.

Ive been doing a lot of soul searching lately to try to figure out this Briita thing. So far Ive managed to confuse myself more and I kind of hate the direction I see myself going; but I am slowly feeling differently about it.

Im currently putting together a beach trip and figuring out all the logistics has been a huge pain in the ass.

Ive got a shit ton on my plate right now, Ive just got to chew threw the time sensitive stuff and push my way to the other side. Thats what Im good at, when things get heavy I put my foot down and push back.

Interesting day

I woke up this morning after a VERY dirty dream - Good and Bad
Email from my boss saying that I need to step up the amount of work I do - Bad
Deposited paychecks - Good
Got to class on time but I had to drive and pay for parking, but I got a sweet parking spot - Good and Bad
Realized I have to skip D&D today to study for the my midterm on Thursday - Bad
Lunch with Linda, Ben and Jordan - Good
Studying in the library with ben - Good

Still lots of day to go

Yoga Meditation

Yoga today was pretty much the best thing ever. We learned a three step breathing technique with tantra's.