Tom Stoppard said it best

Im not really sure when it happened. At some point she decided she just wanted me to be one of those internet friends that doesnt really keep in contact. Maybe comments on photos and such, but really has no face behind the screen name. At the same time I was wanted to expand and do things beyond the screen names. I think thats where it started to go awry. Foresight and experience tells me just how things will play out. But all the same that isnt much comfort. Its a shame really. We are far from not even chatting anymore, let alone good nights. Honestly I believe it became a matter of her not caring anymore. But that is what happens in the minds of fools and the inexperienced. There seems to be a notion that one can just drop everything and expect anything except the reality of the situation. Such foolishness has only ever been described so perfectly by tom stoppard.

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."

The sad thing is this isnt wisdom but rather an astute observation of the foolishness of human beings. I wish he had added a bit of wisdom to the message, something along the lines of reminding the world that we carry our burned bridges and that one must eventually come to terms with the baggage. I think I am beginning to see the disgusting side of nature that always seems to bother sean.

Oh well, this is no time to stay up late. School startup is always so chaotic, but this time my car broke down :(

Stupid cooling fan.

Here I am. Alone in this big house.
Sean and brennan are at a Buddhist monetary, kenny is staying the week at sarahs and jordan is staying the night at lindas. Im alone in this huge house. Its not fear that grips me. No. Its an increased sense of emptiness. I just dont want to be alone anymore. :*(

I hate these nights

Its nights like these I wish I had a place to go. A bar at the end of the universe with a barkeep named joe. A bar with low lights a few pool tables and a jukebox with all the sad songs. A bar with just a few other souls that keep to themselves. I hate these nights.

I need to get out more

Jerald called me up today. He wanted me to call up "some hotty" off my contacts to go bowling with jerald, his wife, and a bunch of other people. I had to turn him down. I didnt feel much like being in a large group of couples I didnt know. Actually it was mostly because I dont have anyone I could bring to such a thing. Sure I could have called some people I havent been in contact with for years, but instead I just told him I was a mess and needed to shower and shave instead. I am again reminded of loneliness. Im tired of being along. Im tired of not having someone to take out on social occasions. Im tired of being alone. Sean once told me I wasnt alone, but in reality I am. I do live with 4 other housemates but I rarely see or get to socialize with them anymore. No man can be an island forever. I need to get out more. : (

Every Little Things Ganna Be Alright

Where do I start?
I need to find a way to separate the friendship feelings and the romantic feelings. I dont think I can stop loving her. But it wouldnt be fair to her to hold onto feelings she doesnt reciprocate. I still very much want to be her friend. And I want to see her happy, more than anything else in the world. I feel like my heart is screaming at me because I love her and am willing to let her be happy with someone else. I feel like my mind is screaming at me to hold onto the romantic feelings because its so improbable that a relationship between them could last at all. Logically it says, he is young and foolish, he is still in highschool, she is going to be in college and getting a job, they will never see each other, he is christian she is buddhist his faith wont allow for such a thing. Doubt doubt doubt. I spent about an hour and a half walking and talking with sean tonight. I feel very much relieved of the pain and doubt. I know that I need to make peace within myself, within my heart and my mind, and my soul. This is something I can do. This is something I will do. I will do it for my own sanctity of mind. I will do it for my future friendship with her. I will do it because I want her to be happy. But also because I want to be able to feel happy for her.

Sean and I still have some things we need to discuss. I will talk with him tomorrow about them. As a side note I have decided I want to start going to the buddhist temple nearby for my meditations. And I want to speak with a mystic, at least to hear what he has to say. Tonight has been a very interesting night. I will find sleep easier this time. Though I hope to see more moonlight soon.

Dram-o-rama

Sigh. Drama at the 6446. I sent sean an email today giving him a piece of my mind. I know he respects me enough to follow up with me. I just have to wait a few days for him to sober up. Sometimes it really sucks being so close to someone who smokes weed...

This afternoon she actually made contact with me. What a joke. I feel like if I ask what she is feeling like, or what she is thinking or even how her day is that she will think I am being clingy. I honestly dont feel like I can talk to her anymore without her lying to me anyway. I hate to say it. But I cant trust her anymore. Oh well, these things happen.

On the plus side of things, I do feel like I am getting to be better friends with Duc. I wonder if he will teach me his l33t sewing skills.

Sigh, I am reminded of dj bobos the games people play:


Vers 1:
Oh the games people play now - Every night and every day now
Never meaning what they say now - Never saying what they mean yeah
And they wile away the hours - In their ivory towers
Till they covered up with flowers - In the back of a black limousine

Chorus:
Na na na na na na na na - Na na na na na na na na
Talking ?bout you and me - And the games people play

Vers 2:
Oh we make one another cry - Break a heart and we say goobye
Cross our hearts and we hope to die - That the other was to blame

Neither one will give in - So we gaze at our eight by ten
Thinking ?bout the things that might have been - It's a dirty rotten shame

Chorus: 2x
Na na na na na na na na - Na na na na na na na na
Talking ?bout you and me - And the games people play

Midpart:
The games people play - The games people play
The games people play - The games people play

Vers 3:
Look around tell me what you see - What's happening to you and me
God bring me the serenity - To remember who I am

?Cause you've given up your sanity - For your pride and your vanity
Turns you sad on humanity - And you don't give a na na na na na na


Oh well. Things get better.
...I wonder when the moon will come out again.

A small piece of the last week

I have spent the better part of the last week spending as much time as possible with my house mates and friends. It had been so long since I reached out to them for social interaction.

I had a conversation with zaamen today. I never knew he operated on the social levels of me and sean. We had a deep heart to heart. A real bonding experience. I never gave him enough credit. He has become very similar to me. He knows who he is. He is the guy that makes life better for those around him, he likes to make people feel good. I like to be mr reliable. I am the guy that you can rely on. Like me, he has discovered that he doesnt want many relationships, he just wants to be with one person. He is having a bit of a tiff with his girlfriend right now. She is asking for space. But he loves her and will give it to her if she wants. But all he cares about right now is her. I feel I am in the same boat. There is a girl I love, but all she wants is space from me. We havent spoken in days. I love her, but she needs time to discover somethings about herself. And even when she does. She wouldnt come back to me. Ive gone over it again and again in my head. She told me she sees no future with us. I tell myself there is no future with us. But somehow, I just cannot simply accept that someone I met in a dream, someone I have these feelings for, someone who so greatly inspires me, could have no place in the future with me. The thoughts of her have even invaded my open mind meditation. I've spent 4 years doing open mind meditation in a tree, yet I can not silence the voice in my heart. My heart is speaking so loudly that it is even getting through my meditation silence. This is going to take some time. No doubt she isnt going to contact me again until kcon, but somehow Im not expecting to see much of her then either.
Normally something like this would just crush me. However I've learned that you can not treat every thing as a life or death matter, because you will die many times. Instead I spend time with my friends. Somehow if I keep my mind occupied I can shut out the voice in my heart. This however is emotionally destructive and I know I need to find a healthier way to deal with my emotional frustrations. Why cant I fall for a girl who is a complete person? Why do I always fall in love with the girls that treat me bad? One day. One day I will find someone who actually cares and isnt afraid of their own shadow.