A small piece of the last week

I have spent the better part of the last week spending as much time as possible with my house mates and friends. It had been so long since I reached out to them for social interaction.

I had a conversation with zaamen today. I never knew he operated on the social levels of me and sean. We had a deep heart to heart. A real bonding experience. I never gave him enough credit. He has become very similar to me. He knows who he is. He is the guy that makes life better for those around him, he likes to make people feel good. I like to be mr reliable. I am the guy that you can rely on. Like me, he has discovered that he doesnt want many relationships, he just wants to be with one person. He is having a bit of a tiff with his girlfriend right now. She is asking for space. But he loves her and will give it to her if she wants. But all he cares about right now is her. I feel I am in the same boat. There is a girl I love, but all she wants is space from me. We havent spoken in days. I love her, but she needs time to discover somethings about herself. And even when she does. She wouldnt come back to me. Ive gone over it again and again in my head. She told me she sees no future with us. I tell myself there is no future with us. But somehow, I just cannot simply accept that someone I met in a dream, someone I have these feelings for, someone who so greatly inspires me, could have no place in the future with me. The thoughts of her have even invaded my open mind meditation. I've spent 4 years doing open mind meditation in a tree, yet I can not silence the voice in my heart. My heart is speaking so loudly that it is even getting through my meditation silence. This is going to take some time. No doubt she isnt going to contact me again until kcon, but somehow Im not expecting to see much of her then either.
Normally something like this would just crush me. However I've learned that you can not treat every thing as a life or death matter, because you will die many times. Instead I spend time with my friends. Somehow if I keep my mind occupied I can shut out the voice in my heart. This however is emotionally destructive and I know I need to find a healthier way to deal with my emotional frustrations. Why cant I fall for a girl who is a complete person? Why do I always fall in love with the girls that treat me bad? One day. One day I will find someone who actually cares and isnt afraid of their own shadow.