I told myself not to do it

I told myself not to do it... that it wouldnt end well.
I did it anyway. Those eyes pierce through my heart even after so long.
I honest to god loved her. I find it funny sometimes how something can
seem so right and so beautiful so perfect, and then when you least expect it,
it all goes to hell.
Shes married and has a child now.
I miss having a female friend, I miss having an intelligent virtuous female friend.
I miss you Ally. Even if you did tear out my heart because your parents didnt like me.
You were one of the best things to ever happen to me.
Life goes on, and so must I. I can not focus on these things for too long. I am a different
person now.

Another night, another dream and its always you

Another dream last night.
I was walking through a dorm, I saw Subin, he was making strange drinks with this orange stuff in it. I went to talk to him and saw he was chatting with priscilla and victoria. They walked off as soon as I showed up. I ended up catching up to priscilla and dragging her aside. In a raised voice I asked her why she was mad at me and why she kept throwing our friendship away. She looked away and started to walk off. At this I grabbed her arm and said dont be like that. Talk to me.

The drink Subin gave me made me need to go to the bathroom. While I went, she left.

Wait.. what happened?

I woke up with a fine cut on my hand. What the fuck happened?

To You Sir Fratley

Today my father told me something very interesting.
He said that he was looking through the company books.
In the last three quarters the company has pushed over a quarter
of a million dollars in gross revenue. And they are projecting more
for next year. I know my parents want
me to take over the company in ten years or so when they are
ready to retire. But I feel I am born to teach.

Sometimes I wonder if I could use the company to form a foundation.
Its always been a dream of mine to make a college. Id want my foundation
to build a college, help research fighting medical conditions and form a
martial arts studio.

This is all very much the far off dreams using something isnt yet mine
and may not be there in the future. But I want to use money to help people
Im just a good person like that. Its just my nature. Perhaps everything I wish for is just
in my dreams. But dreams can sometimes be realized.
"The road remains wide open while your dreams are alive. Only fear can block the way."

And turn the page

Abe made a very interesting comment while reading this blog. He said to me, "I know Im in no place to tell you this, but you've got to stop letting this girl get to you.". I thought to myself. Wow. Ive been blogging for the better part of four months about this same thing. Not strickly, there have been other flavors there. After all I created this blog to be my emo-land fill. If someone were to read this and think this is all that I did and that it consumed me they would have a very skewed view of my life. Truth is, I dont really let the events of my past bother me too much. I observe the position I was in and try to grow from it. I think finally ready to put an end to all this pain and misery. I hope to still be friends with her in the future. But that is yet to be seen.

lier!

The Worst thing about being lied to is knowing you werent worth the truth

The Traveler

"Onward, onward, down this lonely path of dirt and pebbles.

Towards your destination of something that could have been.

With no one behind or ahead of you, you have nothing but yourself.

You tread on, with every meaningful step, but who is there to hear your triumphs?

You keep your head up, you lock the tears in a cellar, you coat your heart in a layer of light and beauty.

Yet you are invisible to everyone.

You have absolutely nothing in either hand, but you give everything you can.

But who will ever want something that comes from nothing?

Deep inside the black hole of your soul is the very thing everyone looks for, its so magnificent and bright yet incredible incomprehensible.

Travel on in hopes of finding someone or something to join you in your journey to find the truth of it all.

Perhaps then you will find out that I was there all along, believing and hoping and giving you everything."
~Spit. (I dont remember her real name but she goes by spit)

Every word of this piece speaks that which has been my life for so long. She perfectly captured the way and life of the traveler. Is it strange that I see myself in this and not the artist? Perhaps I am too self-centered.

I was reading the comments on my myspace profile. I eventually came to the video Priscilla made of her playing a music box that sang happy birthday. I hold back tears... I've been such a fool...

If she ever reads this

Hey Priscilla, If you ever read this I just want you to know.
What ever happens in life, whatever happens between you and whomever
I will always be here to give you good advice, no strings attached. I realize I made a huge mistake back at the sushi place. You were trying to be friendly again and I brushed you off. I was having a bad week and my pride got in the way. Maybe you wont talk to me again until con time. If that happens thats just what happens. But I want you to know, I miss being your friend. Maybe you will never let me be a friend again. Maybe you will forgive me and let the past be the past. Perhaps this is a cowardly way for me to say all this, but I dont want to ruin your birthday. Happy 19th. Enjoy it, be safe, make wise decisions and remember the words of your father... use protection ;)

Yeah... I like cher

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way I'd take back those words that hurt you and you'd stay

I don't know why I did the things I did I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons they wound sometimes.

I didn't really mean to hurt you I didn't wanna see you go I know I made you cry, but baby

[Chorus:]
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

If I could turn back time

My world was shattered I was torn apart
Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart
You walked out that door I swore that I didn't care
But I lost everything darling then and there

Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know that I was blind, and ooh...

[Chorus]

Ooohh

If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
ooh baby

I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't want to see you go
I know I made you cry
Ooohh

[Chorus #2]
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

If I could turn back time (turn back time)
If I could find a way (find a way)
Then baby, maybe, maybe
You'd stay

[to fade]
Reach the stars
If I could reach the stars