The distance

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line
Engines pumping and thumping in time
The green light flashes, the flags go up
Churning and burning they yearn for the cup

They deftly manuver and muscle for rank
Fuels burning fast on an empty tank
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern

As they speed through the finish, the flags go down
The fans get up and they get out of town
The arena is empty except for one man
Still driving and striving as fast as he can

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
Not long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's driving and striving an hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for who he still burns

He's going the distance
He's going for speed
She's all alone, all alone, all alone in a time of need

Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse
He's going the distance

No trophies, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no lime
He's haunted by something he cannot define
Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse
Assail him and bail him with monster truck force

In his mind he's still driving, still making the grade
She's hoping in time that her memories will fade
'Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
Not long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for who he still burns

'Cause he's going the distance,
He's going for speed
She's all alone
All alone
All alone
In a time of need

Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse
He's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and ridding on his horse
He's going the distance
He's going for speed
He's going the distance

I never realized what this song was about until recently.
On an unrelated note, I have found myself a little disappointed.
I wanted to repair our relationship and be close like we were before.
But she wanted to make distance, instead she would rather I
became like one of her classmates from highschool, someone
she doesnt really see. Someone she chats with on occasion but
doesnt really have any insight. I can see it in her responses.
Which I can deal with. Having worked in a professional field for so many
years you meet all kinds of great people. They leave eventually and
say, "lets not lose contact". But you always do. This reminds me of
one of those times. We will eventually lose contact. Oh well.
These are the lessons I must learn from life.

Inspiration from an amazing friend

I have always been gifted with a strong sense of foresight and common sense. I told myself back before she finished high school that now wasnt the right time, that I had met her too soon. That was before I had feelings for her. When I first met her I said to myself. Wow, I cant believe the latent potential of this girl. I would later have a de ja vu about a dream I had had many long months before even discovering her. I also have the unfortunate vice of being impatient. I thought to myself then, that I had met her too soon. That I should come back and grow my friendship with her later after she had sorted out the various skeletons that she had not told me about, but I could tell were within. After all has been said and done. Perhaps I should have waited till even after this time to be friendly with her. But at the same time out of my impatience I feel I was able to have a strong influence in her remarkable personal growth. Even with our last conversation tonight I am amazed and inspired by how well she was able to bring herself to understand my position while still telling her own. She really is very amazing. I hope I will meet someone else like her while at PSU, someone that will go beyond friendship. But until then, she is the most cognate, inspiring friend to me right now. I hope our friendship lasts. She really is one in a million.

I cant sleep. I cant get over the fact that she lied to me. I cant believe that she would be interested in a guy who has groped her. Thats disrespect, thats sexual harassment. That is straight telling her that he wants her body. God damnit. Doesnt she see? You can get sex in any relationship. Love is the goal, not sex. This guy doesnt love her, hes just physically attracted to her. Oh god, please dont let her fall for such a dirt bag. It would be one thing if he actually loved her, all there is here is sexual tension.

Im calling it right here, right now.

I realized why it the news stung so hard. Its because I was never given a shot. She just pushed me away even though she had the feelings. Yet now that I have helped her past so much of her troubles she is optimistic towards others, but here I am, still waiting for my turn to show her what it is to really be loved, not this crush and infatuated bs she is going to experience in what shes about to do.

I realized something. When I met her, she was still a scared girl. When we went to the japanese gardens I asked her if she picked that spot as a romantic spot. That must have been what scared her. After that she wouldnt meet me outside of a large group. She was afraid that I would get close to her.

However on her trip to japan she was forced to be in close regular contact with others for 3 weeks. She mistakes those close three weeks as something special because she has never been in such a situation, she found she liked it, but if they had taken out the being in japan aspect then she wouldnt be anywhere near where she is now. If I had just not said anything and she and I had hung out for such a long amount of time this wouldnt be happening. Unfortunately I didnt realize that she would react the way she did. And I didnt realize the way she reacted until it was too late. Now she will forever have a predisposition towards any possible future relationship. Even if I hang on as a friend I dont think she will ever get over that she pushed me out of her heart and be able to see beyond into what could be. There years can only tell for certain. But I hope one day she will be able to see beyond all this. Hell bishops wife wouldnt date him for 6 years before finally giving it a shot, now she is happily married with a bright future.

I dont know anymore... should I try to stick it out and see if she and I can patch things up later, or is it worth all the pain and mental anguish? Thats a simple answer... she is worth it. Every last bit of it. And I would go through this all over again if I had a shot to make her happy. Alright... Ill stick this one out. Time to dry my eyes and let the world start spinning again.

moonless nights

The last two nights have been completely moonless. Where is the moon when I need it most? I havent been eating, I cant keep anything down right now. Damnit sean, I need a shoulder, why are you always intoxicated when I need you most.

I dont think she is talking to me anymore. Its 1 am and nothing from her, I think shes doesnt care anymore about the little things, I think she doesnt want to tell me what shes been up to or thinking about, or plans for the next day. Perhaps she thinks that not telling me anything will save me some pain, but the truth is her silence hurts just as much as her lies. I can tell when she is hiding things from me, I can see right through her.

Im getting tired of all this. I wonder sometimes how I know and work with so many single people in their 30s and I realize that its because the world is full of stupid people who dont know themselves, full of people who are too weak to allow themselves to recognize love when it comes. I tell myself this is all for the better, that this way I wont be the one in the relationship that ultimately fails. She once said she wasnt going after anyone she didnt feel she was in love with, and now she goes after two guys she has crushes on. What bad luck was it that I met her when she listened to fear. I am getting tired of all this. I need to get over her. She hurt me, and I still love her, but I need to see beyond that. I however think that no matter what she will never see me as a friend again. Instead as an acquaintance that she deals with sometimes. When will I fall for a girl with her heart in the right place?

Thanks

I dodged a bullet
Thanks Anthony, I hope this works.

Lets make a deal

It has bothered me all day. I havent been able to think straight. I feel so drained today. So very tired. I spent a lot of time thinking today. I realized something. She was the first girl I ever actually felt I wanted to grow old with. I have loved before, but I had never thought that way about the others. She was different somehow. I would see older ladies everywhere I went today, and all I could think of was growing old with her. Im so very tired, so very drained, but it looks like its going to be a late night. I made a deal.

Dealing with it

By chance I found her
She was everything
I wanted
Everything
I needed
But someone had gotten to her first
Before I met her
Someone managed to hurt her
I can freely admit that I love her
Just the way she is
But she will not let me mend her broken heart

Perhaps I am a fool for what I said today
But I can not force her to heal what
She wants to hide

I regret nothing

I lay in bed thinking to myself. I think, where have the last 6 months gone. 6 months ago I met her. At first we spent weekends back to back hanging out with each other, enjoying the pleasure of each others company. But somewhere along the line she ruled me out. She just got back from a 3 week trip to japan. She has found herself having a crush on some of the guys she met. I wonder to myself. What does it take to be in her thoughts? Ive grown so attached to her the last few months. She contacted me when she was scared she lost her brother, she talked to me when she needed to rant about her parents, or her classmates, or whatever. I find myself in a difficult position. I know she doesnt have any feelings for me at all. And that hurts, a lot. I've found myself trying to push the thoughts of her out of my mind as they arrive. She is so kind, she is so fun, shes been in my dreams even before I met her, she is so very much exactly what Ive been looking for. But I am not that to her. It seems having a big heart, and being reliable isnt enough anymore. Perhaps it was the times I made her cry with insensitive words. Perhaps I should have waited longer. Perhaps I met her too soon.

As I lay in bed I try to push her out of my thoughts. I tell myself she isnt interested in hanging out or sharing classes anymore. I tell myself that I need to get over her. And its true, I do need to get over her. But its not something I can do in one sitting. I cant just remove the feelings I have for her. Its not as easy as a pressing the delete button. I cant just cold turkey. I need to accept that she sees nothing in me and that she will find someone else.

Love is such a cruel mistress. I regret nothing.