I lay in bed thinking to myself. I think, where have the last 6 months gone. 6 months ago I met her. At first we spent weekends back to back hanging out with each other, enjoying the pleasure of each others company. But somewhere along the line she ruled me out. She just got back from a 3 week trip to japan. She has found herself having a crush on some of the guys she met. I wonder to myself. What does it take to be in her thoughts? Ive grown so attached to her the last few months. She contacted me when she was scared she lost her brother, she talked to me when she needed to rant about her parents, or her classmates, or whatever. I find myself in a difficult position. I know she doesnt have any feelings for me at all. And that hurts, a lot. I've found myself trying to push the thoughts of her out of my mind as they arrive. She is so kind, she is so fun, shes been in my dreams even before I met her, she is so very much exactly what Ive been looking for. But I am not that to her. It seems having a big heart, and being reliable isnt enough anymore. Perhaps it was the times I made her cry with insensitive words. Perhaps I should have waited longer. Perhaps I met her too soon.
As I lay in bed I try to push her out of my thoughts. I tell myself she isnt interested in hanging out or sharing classes anymore. I tell myself that I need to get over her. And its true, I do need to get over her. But its not something I can do in one sitting. I cant just remove the feelings I have for her. Its not as easy as a pressing the delete button. I cant just cold turkey. I need to accept that she sees nothing in me and that she will find someone else.
Love is such a cruel mistress. I regret nothing.
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