What weight must be hidden?

Lately Ive been strongly considering putting it all out there. Letting those who doubt me see everything. Every text, every heart, every "love you", every stupid fucking comment. But I made a promise to keep what was said between us a secret. Am I being a good friend by holding onto a promise that she doesnt appear to be honoring? Shouldn't I continue to lie to everyone so that she can continue to have friends and let her reality be one which she can have a positive sense of self just so that she doesnt go back to cutting again? Should I continue to hold it in and let those most zealous white knighting fools believe me to be evil for the sake of a happier old friend and the memories that once she was sane and we were friends? Perhaps I should bare this. Its better for everyone else right? I think I should, the needs of the many outway the needs of the few right? The team over the self? But are lies and illusions a better thing than truth? Perhaps truth doesnt have intrinsic value anymore, so long as people can hate who they want to hate, feel how and what and when they want to feel. Soldier on Dave. Let time erase this. And for now, sacrifice what you must for the greater good, because while you might not be willing to lie to yourself, you must let others lie to themselves and believe what they want to believe. Perhaps like the RAM thing holding the truth in will net something good for us all.

Be Patient Atlas

Days that start out like today bring out the best in me and make me the saddest.

I ran into Guy while on campus early. We always have deep philosophical discussions and today that discussion focused on meth and the lives it effects.

This reminded me of little Casey. That poor child growing up with parents who are constantly fucked up on meth. His father is always in and out of jail... I want to go up to his mother, slap her in the face and point her to her children. LOOK AT THEM YOU SON OF A BITCH!

It broke my heart the last time I played catch with Casey. He clearly never did it before, his father doesnt pay attention to his kids. The child was so happy to toss a little foam football around. There was a glee in his eyes that he clearly had never known before. I want to call CSD, but I know that I shouldnt... his mother is pregnant again and taking that child from his parents would be even more psychologically damaging to him and probably push the mother into further drug use during her pregnancy. He deserves a world that would protect him and give him a stable life, but the foster care system is just legal human trafficking, he wouldnt come out any better from it.

I think about how many children like him must exist out there and I feel so angry, I feel so frustrated. I want to save them. But I can not save them alone. Even my plans to go into teaching to help these kids can only go by so quickly. I feel the weight of all these souls on my back and all I can do is tell myself to be patient. Be patient, even while they are slipping away, even while some are being lost to the whirlpool of the world that will engulf them as soon as they are "adults". These children dont deserve the life they were born into, nor the parents that bore them, nor the system that will chew them up and spit them out.

There are those who wonder why I want to teach when I "dont like kids". To be perfectly clear, I dont do well with toddlers, crying and diaper changing. But I know what its like to grow up with a high level of dysfunction. I am one of the lucky ones who recognized those who could teach me the skillsets to deprogram that dysfunction. And my interest in teaching is both the love of history and the passion to do what I see as a way to save lives, not necessarily lives in the sense of life or death but rather life in the sense of ones ability to have a life that is not weighted down by what they were given.

Being patient has become so much harder lately. Ive been reading atlas shrugged, and while I find 90% of its stances totally reprehensible, it has imbued me with the realization and the ability to push past peoples bullshit and get what I want done by simply being a person who does things himself. This makes working with a slow system like getting through school exceptionally frustrating, but without this system I would have no way and little knowledge to offer. I have to focus on building up my own self so that I can have more to offer.

Be patient... even while I cant be there for everyone now, I know that there are others like me who already carry the burden. I will join your ranks soon Atlas' of the world, and we will hold this world together.

Still lack gracefulness

Professor: How old are you? 28? 30?

Me: 24

Professor looks me straight in the eyes: You are a wise man.

Me, O_O : ugh.. guh.. um... hm... thank you...

If I wasn't such a fool for flattery I would have liked to ask what he based that observation on; but a renowned economist probably has a pretty good eye for these things.

A personal step

I have found that I am my own biggest stumbling block. I know what I want, its right in front of me, but some combination of cowardice and ethics gets in my way. Time to put a stop to that.

This Will Not Be My Life!

This morning I went over to my parents house after dropping Briita off at work. I had a long discussion with my dad as to where the world is going, where it is now and how it used to be. We talked about everything from aspirations to gravestones in cemeteries. Mostly we talked about family systems. I cant help but look at my parents and see myself in them. This scares me... I'm living off unemployment, foodstamps, and my girlfriend. My parents are in similar dire straights. They have a government contract, but they cant get the credit to buy the parts for it. They seem to rarely eat and they dont know how they will get around to retireing. Here I am nearly two months later and it feels like this is it. It feels like I might spend forever here looking for work. Yet with school so close no one will hire someone who is going to leave in January. Still, January seems so far away. Somehow I have to make it through this christmas season, I feel so pathetic... Im 23, I am living away from home and I still feel like a kid who cant buy christmas gifts for people. God I hate this...
All this is really reafirming my plans... because I wont live this life... I wont get used to this... I have to finish school because I am still only 23, there is a lot of world to see, and there are venues for me to get there. I just have to keep chasing this bus, I know it will stop for me in two years.

Come with me if you want adventure

I added some friends of mine to facebook a little while ago, and they were looking through my pictures and where amazed. They wanted to know how long I was in the military and where I went off to on an indiana jones adventure.

I told them right away of course that it was all just airsoft

but there was something about that, that got me thinking

We dont live in movies, we dont always get to live lives that are amazing. A lot of people live in a world where their day to day drudgery is their lives, and the weekends might be a break where they wait until they start more day to day stuff. But I live a life that a lot of people dream about, that a lot of people want to have. I get to go out and lead a group of great friends out on a field and have a fun time. I have pictures and stories of rediculous adventures that can only exist in something make believe like movies or airsoft. And all this in a wierd way helped remind me a little bit of the kind of person I am... I am the kind of person that people want to have lead them, I am the kind of friend that people trust, I am the kind of person that takes people out of their day to day and takes them on adventures (in airsoft or otherwise). And in that I can at least accept a small amount of self worth. There is still a lot for me to chew threw, but it was a refreshing feeling.

Theres nothing more important to me than saving people. Whether its from themselves, their past, their future or from their day to day drudgery. Thats why I want to be a teacher.

Atlas

Wow, here I am again feeling totally overwhelmed. Ive got a history paper thats been in the works for a long time and I just have not been able to get any work done on. Being unable to find enough resources I decided to start over with a subject I could get more material on. That being said its 4-7 pages and its due Thursday. Did I mention I have to do all the build up assignments to the paper now that Ive changed my subject? That means I need to do a subject paragraph, a bibliography, and a thesis and outline. Which I suppose will sort of make itself if I ever finish the paper.

I havent been able to force myself to get up and get to class at all lately which has shown itself in my physical geology class. Right now I'm barely maintaining a C. Im worried it will drastically effect my HST class too because he does take roll and I havent been able to drag myself out of bed in the mornings.

My car is being shitty, shouldnt be that bad, just a $75 fix... hopefully.

I just got handed the position of co-director, thats what Im calling it for now, with two others in my airsoft team while abe is away in Japan for the next 9-12 months. At first I was hesitant because its a lot of responsibility to take on, but the more I think about it the more I really want it. This team has meant a lot to me the last three or four years, it has been here for me and helped me out in tough situations and for that I want to be able to lead it to something great.

I was at one point playing three different D&D campaigns and when two of them ended I swore to myself that I would never do that many because it took way too much time away from homework... well now I am only playing in one... but I am DMing two. My sacrifices have unfortunately been effecting my ability to DM effective campaigns. Note to self or others, dont DM multiple games unless you have a ton of time to put into making them good.

Ive been doing a lot of soul searching lately to try to figure out this Briita thing. So far Ive managed to confuse myself more and I kind of hate the direction I see myself going; but I am slowly feeling differently about it.

Im currently putting together a beach trip and figuring out all the logistics has been a huge pain in the ass.

Ive got a shit ton on my plate right now, Ive just got to chew threw the time sensitive stuff and push my way to the other side. Thats what Im good at, when things get heavy I put my foot down and push back.

Interesting day

I woke up this morning after a VERY dirty dream - Good and Bad
Email from my boss saying that I need to step up the amount of work I do - Bad
Deposited paychecks - Good
Got to class on time but I had to drive and pay for parking, but I got a sweet parking spot - Good and Bad
Realized I have to skip D&D today to study for the my midterm on Thursday - Bad
Lunch with Linda, Ben and Jordan - Good
Studying in the library with ben - Good

Still lots of day to go

Yoga Meditation

Yoga today was pretty much the best thing ever. We learned a three step breathing technique with tantra's.

Almost stepped in it

Below is a conversation I had with a very over protective parent. I saw the conversation going down hill quickly so I kept it respectful... close call though. Im just glad Im the one dealing with this, not everyone would be as reasonable.

David Sherman
3:16
hey, ---
is ------ phone number xxx-xxx-xxxx?
3:34---- came back

-------
3:59
hey
no its not, Im waiting for a call back from him now

David Sherman
3:59
hey

------
3:59
hes at work I think today

David Sherman
3:59
can you just give me his phone number so I can call him directly. It will speed things up in the future

------
4:00
Hes only 17, we dont give his number out sorry
IM not really sure why your waiting on one vote, its pretty overwhelming isnt it?

David Sherman
4:00
...ok, I can respect that. However I will ask him for his number personally next time I see him.

------
4:01
sure, bypass his Dad, great idea

David Sherman
4:01
Thats not my intention... is he allowed to give out his own number? If hes not then I wont ask him
------
4:02
His mother and I prefer that his number is not passed out. That is how its been since he was 15 and got his phone
I'll ask her if she minds

David Sherman
4:04
fair enough. As for the one vote thing. Its our policy to make sure that everyone wants the new person on the team. An all or nothing system. It keeps the team involved and in good step with each other on and off the field.
4:04You have connected

-----------
4:07
alrighty, Ill let you know as soon as he gets ahold of me.

David Sherman
4:08
Ok, Ill be waiting for your update.
4:09----- disconnected

The Universe has a sense of humor... and it reads Douglas Adams

You know that monopoly community chest card? The one that says "Bank error in your favor, collect $x"? Well I got one of those in the mail today. Apparently when I closed my account with US Bank there was still some money in it, so they sent it to me in a check... for exactly $42.00

My Post Secret

I keep a pile of clothes next to me when I go to bed, because I cant bare the feeling of sleeping alone anymore.

White Magic

I grew up watching the sword in the stone, the jungle book, the lion king and so many others....

Ive known for a long time now that the world I live in is not what I wanted it to be when I grew up...

The women are all shrewish princesses or fucked up in the head Alice's lost in their wonderlands.

The men are more predators than princes or knights.

Sometimes its nice to watch those old movies or listen to the music in them and slip back into a long lost childhood where the world was simpler, an innocent world where good was good and evil was evil. This world is too busy. Pass the bong, let me take a hit, play some pogo and let me slip away into the kaleidescope. I just want somewhere else to go.

Uh Oh

Im thinking with my Penis again...

...I think Im going to see where this takes me...

Text messages:

Her: First off Im wondering just how rough and kinky you are

Me: You'll just have to find out the hard way ;)

Her: Smooth

Me: I thought so

Good Karma

Today was one of those days where I really felt like good karma was flowing my way.

I guess it all started out with me waking up from a dream where I was getting married. Ive never had a marriage dream before but it was nice while it lasted, I only remember being really really happy. :)

I woke up just in time to get a nice shower in before class. I got a text from Coley saying she had strep throat and to tell the teacher she wasnt coming in today. I was glad to hear from her if even the bad tidings it meant that I hadnt upset her too much. I drove in to school and found a free parking spot! Score! Writing class was relatively short. I wrote up a fastwrite on clinton park.

At the end of class the really beautiful green eyed brunette girl made a comment about how she had an hour or two after this class and that is sucked. I told her that I missed having that time in between classes. I explained that I only had 10 minutes between this class and the next and that I missed being able to just grab random people and hang out or go have lunch. She thought that was kind of interesting I guess. I headed out towards the smith building and she followed me. I think she was headed that way anyway. She caught up to me buy the skyway and said that if I didnt have class right away she would have lunch with me. I told her that we got out of class early so I actually had about an hour right then. So we went and got lunch. We found our way to a cafe like place across the street from the food carts. She got a chicken ceasar salad. I got a turkey and avacado with cream cheese sandwich. We had some fun conversation. I dont want to go into her life details on my blog so Ill just skip to the end. Eventually she had to get to a meeting with our teacher and I had to get to my next class so we went our separate ways.

It was strange. I was in class and I couldnt focus very well at all. Its not unlike me to be attracted to a beautiful girl in the past, its not unlike me to be able to just enjoy their conversation and go on with my life. But for some reason I couldnt stop thinking about her eyes. They are the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen in my life.

She is currently living with her boyfriend and his best friend :(

Damn. Figures. Its no secret to me that Id like to see where a relationship with her would go. All that aside Im fine just being friends with her. I can appreciate sharing conversation over a meal with an interesting stranger.

After class got out I headed over to alex's. We got some vodka and some brandy. Picked up zaamen. Had max and sam come over and by the end of the night we were playing rock band 2/Beatles.

I got home and talked with sean some. We made ramen and watched a blazer game. From there I talked with a friend online about future school classes. And now its late and time for bed.

Good Times

Kenny and Sarah finally moved into their own place together in an apartment not terribly far from my place. They had a house warming party! A bunch of us got pretty drunk. We all got really cuddly on the couch. I gave megan and alex shoulder rubs. Both of which said it was pretty freakn amazing. I think alex said my hands were the best thing to ever happen to her. My secret is I close my eyes when I do it, then by passing energy between my hands and their shoulders I am able to better relax them and more easily discover the stress points. After the party there we all went to Lee's friend Robin's birthday over at the commodore. She's apparently 31 but she looks 23. I told her that. She kissed me. Oh yeah. Got a few looks from the girls about the bar, I guess I was looking pretty good that night. Played a game or two of pool. Im not half bad while stumbling drunk. We decided to go to the Roxy to get our OM NOMs on. Then back to the Commodore to give our best wishes to Robin. This time I got to give her the kiss, I think it was better because I was expecting it this time. Too bad we had to go, I might not have stopped with just one... but we were drunk and didnt know each other so its probably a good thing that I had to leave. From there everyone crashed at Sam/Alex's place. Good Times. :D

A quarter life crisis?

I want to ride the slip in slide

I want to read comic books

I want to spend all day at an arcade

I want to eat pizza and drink root beer

I want to TP and egg a house

I want to get in backyard fights with the neighborhood bully

I want my childhood

I want to play D&D

I want to play airsoft

I want to go to late night bistro's

I want to go to concerts

I want to get wasted

I want my summer time

I want to be successful in school

I want to have a good girlfriend

I want to be focused and motivated

I know where Im going. I know what I want to do with my life...

But I cant help feeling like Ive missed so much of it already.

I cant just pick up where Im at and ignore what Ive missed...

I want those experiences...

But right now I am running myself ragged working late hours, constantly fighting to make rent, not sure how my classes are coming along. I need a vacation, I need to have fun. But I cant afford that in money or time. :(

A strange day

I woke up at 9:30, got online started chatting with tam. He and Jenell were going to go shopping so I headed over to their place. Went to Washington Square Mall, Costco and a cool little Indian deli place. Immediately headed out to work. It was Salem this time. Stung all the stores. No Fails. :D, the last girl I stung was kind of flirty, which was cool I needed the confidence boost. Went to turn in paperwork. Apparently there was a wreck on I-84 east bound, I got stuck in some really nasty traffic but I was still on the clock so it was OK. While in traffic this cute blond in the backseat of a car next to me yells out "Hey!" I had my window down and was listening to music. I Figured she was drunk or something so I just drove past, but then traffic slowed my lane and sped theirs and we were next to each other again. I looked over... heres the conversation we had.

CB: "Hey!"

Me: "What?"

CB: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Getting off work."

CB: "Where do you work?"

Me: "I work for the OLCC."

CB: "My friend in front of me thinks your cute, he really wants your number"

I look over

Me: "Thanks, but I dont eat on that side of the buffet"

CB: "What side is that?"

Me: "I dont eat meat."

At that point there was significant room ahead of me so I drove off. Thinking back on it, I should have given them my number and when he called me Id just tell him sorry but I was into his cute friend in the back seat. Oh well, Ill save that idea for next time.

I got my paper work turned in and headed to PSU for our Mithril team meeting. There is just something awesome about having a radio personality on the team that makes everything we do amazing.... except that now we have two.... making everything even more hilarious!

The drive coming back home was a lot of fun, I really slammed on the gas. I was feeling kind of daring in a sort of "well why the fuck not" sort of way so I drove the majority of the way home using only my peripheral vision while focusing almost entirely on my rear view mirror. Terrible idea btw... but it was fun, so why the fuck not?

Fin

EDIT: Forgot to mention that at the team meeting I was officially declared the Team Medic AND the Team Gestapo.

A small step back

I saw some workers putting up the Christmas tree in the square today.

Im so tired of spending the holidays alone. Im so tired of going to get togethers of friends because I dont want to deal with my family. Even at friends get togethers Im surrounded by couples or married people. Its just thrown in my face every year.

Just once, I want to have someone to hold for Christmas. Thats the only Christmas gift I want.

:*(

ZOMBIES!!

So the zombie game at the CAGE was pretty much exactly what I needed. I got to chill with some cool people, shoot some people, get shot, watch zombie movies on a huge HD projector. Unfortunately I was not able to go on the zombie hunt as the team was already running with 6 people and it was a 5 man event. That being said, I did get some sexy eyes from the hotness running the beer garden. She had the sexiest legs Ive ever seen.

Had a good time chilling with MITHRIL and some new people. Al Goodrich showed up with Tam. Hes getting really into it, I always knew its something he would enjoy. Nelson from 105.1 the buzz showed up with Chainsaw. Apparently we've got the hookup with Nelson now. Fun times all around! Next up is Operation Mjat!