RAAAAAGE

I cant manage all of this. Im so stressed out. I got laid off. My room mates are leaving, I need to find 3 new room mates in a month. I cant afford to stay and cover half the rent. I cant afford to leave and get a smaller place. I cant afford to eat. I havent been sleeping well. The girl of my dreams who I was madly in love with is really into someone else and doesnt even trust me as a friend anymore. I had to borrow money from duc just to get by this month. And my car needs repairs again since the tire blew out. GOD DAMNIT! What else is coming down the pipe? What else is going to happen? Im so fucking pissed and tired of all this shit! FUCK ME! Apparently Ive done something horrible to deserve all this shit. I dont know what to do about it. Its too much. I cant just ignore it, but I havent got the energy or the will power to deal with all this right now. God damnit... I cant do this on my own, I need someone to lean on right now.

Of memories and Gelato

Duc and I were talking the other day about how nice guys always finish last. About how one his girlfriend left him for "other experiences" before coming back to him. She just wanted to have a fling with some jerk who treated her badly. Sometimes it really seems that way. Nice guys want to give the world to a woman. But women are more attracted to the wallet and men who just want a fling. I remember seeing a woman on comedy central who was getting on in age. Her bit was based around telling women that she used to go through guys like tissues. Suddenly she was 36 and the box was empty. She went looking for that really nice one she trashed. I dont know why people are so afraid to let someone love them. My sister did the damned thing the other day. A very close friend of hers, Akie or some such philipino name I cant spell, pronounced his love for her... She punched him in the throat and wont talk to him anymore. When I asked her about it she said that kind of thing ruins friendships. And maybe it does, but how was he supposed to know that she would do that? The heart isnt something you can shutup, it needs to release. Ill tell you what ruins friendships... punching people that love you in the throat. I feel for the guy, honestly I think my sister could really use a nice guy.

As duc and I went on talking I started remembering the first time I met priscilla. I remember seeing her walk out the door, I thought to myself, wow, who is this energetic girl? I remember thinking to myself how small she was when she sat next to me in the car. I remember hearing drift away play in a near by car. I turned on the radio and sang along. The look on her face was so precious. She had the cutest smile I had ever seen. I knew right then that I was smitten. That I had found someone special. She was so shy back then.

I remember that day we spent downtown. We shared a delicious berry crepe. I held her hand for the first time then. It was cold out, she said her hands were cold so she let me feel how cold they were. The outside was cold, but I could feel a warmth running through them. We spent much of the day browsing saturday market before running into the anonymous protesters outside the church of Scientology. We got a lot of pictures taken. It was at this point I discovered her obsession with taking pictures of food. She took a picture of a protester in a Guy Fawkes mask making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. She has always had an eye for the obscure. She liked to look behind signs and walls for stickers or graffiti. I think thats really cool. That she sees things other people would just pass by without so much as a second look. Not only does she see them, she takes pictures of them. I dont say this very much but that is really rad. There is some kind of passion for the slightly off kilter that drives her. I can really appreciate that. Ive been inspired by her and started taking pictures of food and obscure things, if for no other reason than to try to open my eyes to the levels of reality around myself that I would otherwise miss.

We spent a little time at the anti-war rally, took pictures of a guy in a giant suit that resembled the faceless things in spirited away. I remember going to 23rd thinking that she would like some of the strange things they have in the small shops. To my surprise she was more interested in the signs outside than the stuff inside the shops. Unless of course it involved food. haha, Ive always known girls to love food, but never like this. We went to a japenese restaurant and had this chicken curry. I was a bit surprised at first. I wanted to offer to share but I didnt think she would be up for that, we hadnt known each other for that long after all. She however it turned out wanted to share to so we split the bowl. Perhaps I looked too far into it, but we both liked the same dish and both ate just enough to fill ourselves and had some left over. That showed me she had self control. She didnt gorge herself on unnecessary food.

It was getting late in the evening and I knew she liked sweets so we went to get gelato. I dont remember what kind we got, I was too busy being in shock. Here I was sitting at a chic cafe sharing a gelato with this girl I was falling for more and more every time she stopped to take a picture. I recall taking a picture with her up near this piece of art made of recycled metals. I dont have the photos myself but I remember seeing them. She kind of leaned into me when we took the picture, just a little bit. I didnt want to seem creepy so I kept myself composed. On the inside I was smiling so much. I felt like I had found someone I had connected with so strongly purely by chance.

It all seems like so long ago. Back when we shared music, back when we stayed up and watched star wars on spike tv. Back when she showed me threadless and I started buy T-shirts online. It all seems like so long ago. I know that the world never stops turning, but at least for a short while it slowed down...

facepalm

God damn it dave... what the hell is wrong with you? She was just being nice, a friendly picture or goodbye hug and you were a jerk about it. The moment I let both of those opportunities go I said to myself, "that was so stupid, how could you do that? Dont be so cold..". I think Im coming down with something, I dont feel well.

torn

ugh, why is it so hard for me to let go sometimes? I want to just tell them all to screw off. That Ive outgrown them. But they were so close before. Im just tired of the negativity and being ignored. I wish I could just put in less energy but I feel like if I do then they wont put any in at all and they will be lost to me. I dont know what to do anymore...

Home

I took lunch today with tamsin. He is such a wise person. I sort of lost sean somewhere and managed to run into tam. Im glad I did. I told him about my dillema with me putting in so much effort and energy into friendships that werent going anywhere. I asked him if he ever had to deal with that. The guy is 36, married, been divorced once before, was in the navy and robbed a bank so I figure hes been around the block once or twice. His responce was absolutely yes, all the time.

He talked about how a short while ago he got back in contact with a bunch of friends of his from highschool and that they were all very much the same people they were in highschool. Something I can definitely understand, many of my friends are the same way. He saw that even 20 years later there was no person growth between them. They still were just a bunch of fucks that didnt really get what life was about yet. He couldnt stay close friends with them because he was putting so much into being their friend but they never responded with any of their own.

Now I am torn. An old friend of mine once said that she is very different from the girl I knew in highschool, she didnt fight for things back then like she does now. which to me would mean to fight for my friendships and not to just let them go. Specially the really important ones. But at the same time I feel drained. I cant keep putting all this energy into being friends with these people when they just treat me like shit. And the sad thing is I know it is on purpose. It takes effort to be rude to people, it takes effort to ignore people. With friends like them who needs enemies? Im not going to let them treat me this way anymore. Fuck them. Im learning to be young again and I know I am going to meet tons of people out there. My life is finally starting to take the shape of my destiny.

Camping

The camping trip was exactly what the doctor ordered. I got to meet a new circle of friends. None that I will ever be that close with myself, but new people are still a nice change of scenery. Being out in the forest gave me the perfect opportunity to stop and think about things.

The first night jordan and I left for Joanna's house. On the way there I realized I left my sleeping bag at home so I stopped by a fred meyer and bought a new one. Its this really sweet green color with a black V on it. It really was a good buy, its far warmer than my old sleeping bag. I did however forget my pillow so I had to do without.

Once Mike showed up at Jo's we packed everyone into her jetta and got on the road. The car was absolutely packed. Jordan and I were in back with all the gear that wouldnt fit in the trunk. We were sitting on three sleeping bags and had our backpacks in our laps. There was barely room to breath back there. I tried to listen to my iPod so I didnt have to listen to their music but my iPod had broken :( Joanna's driving scared me from the start but I had no idea what I was about to get into. Shes a totally crazy driver. At one point she was taking the offramp off I-84 at 70 mph with a full car plus several hundred lbs of gear. It was the first rain in a while so the road was slippery too. We started out taking that offramp halfway on the inside shoulder and by the time the road went straight again we were half way onto the outside shoulder with the tires screeching. An accident didnt really scare me so much, it was the impending doom that was the 5 gallon propane tank in the trunk that would blow us all to hell if she flipped the car. She would take many other turns like that on the way. I never want to drive with her again.

I decided to quickly send a text out to all my friends that I was probably not going to make it to tomorrow. Most of them responded with concern. I was actually really disappointed in priscilla, later she told me that she thought I was just saying crazy shit was going down, but even if thats all it is, its still crazy shit, a friend would be concerned if crazy shit was going down. But I guess I have come to expect that from her. To some extent shes a cool friend, but other times it seems like she goes out of her way to ignore me, which really just pisses me off.

Once we finally got there I got to meet the whole group. It was pretty much 4 girls and their respective boyfriends. The 4 girls have been a circle of friends since way back when, kind of like the sisterhood of traveling pants.

Linda-The only of the group I knew before hand. Shes pretty cool, very intelligent but still fun.
(Jordan)- My friend since third grade and boyfriend to Linda. I think the two of them are probably the best couple of everyone.

Joanna-The "Mom" of the group, she sets all the plans in motion and makes things happen. Shes also only 21, owns 2 houses, a few cars, and works for a bank. Everything about her screams motherly, her voice, attitude, laugh, everything.
(Mike)-Hes only been dating Joanna for a few months but he seems pretty stable. Hes mostly softspoken but he isnt shy either. His character is kind of an anomaly. I dont know how the two of them got together, he doesnt seem very much like a fatherly figure but they seem like they have been together forever, I was surprised to find out they had only been together a few months.

Erika-Im not really sure what to make of her. She makes a lot of stupid decisions, has a ton of facial peircings, she looks like the wife of the guy that sells blow to travoltas character in pulp fiction. She has a bit of a short temper and is easily offended. I kind of feel like I have to walk on pins and needles around her.
(Jeff)- Erika's boyfriend of one month. Jeff is the picture of a hippy in the 60s. Hes done every drug there is and likes to drink, this however doesnt make him unintelligent. He is a very smart guy if for no other reason than his life experiences. I actually liked hanging out with and chatting with jeff the most, until he tried to keep everyone awake all night on the second night. Not fun to have someone outside your tent talking to you when you are trying to sleep.

Mai-Lin- Nerdiest of the group. She likes anime, WoW, cats, nightmare before christmas. Currently single, at least for all intensive purposes. She has an "online" boyfriend that lives in georgia that she has never met irl. It was weird talking to her, she has all the same sort of outlooks on things and general thoughts as I do. It felt like I was talking to myself from one year ago. She is 21 but still very much seems like an 18 year old.

The group was a ton of fun. The second night mai-lin let me borrow her pillow since she had an air-matress. Thank god, the ground was killing me, Im still sore. A side note: Her pillow smelled like shampoo and noodles. A plesent aroma to fall asleep to if ever there was one. That night I had at least 5 different dreams, I couldnt really remember any of them but one. I was sleeping in my dream and I woke up to find two people I dont know watching me sleeping in a room that was very metallic. I dont know who they are, but if my other dreams have anything say in it then Id add that I will probably meet them in 2-4 years.

The second day we were there jordan, linda and I went on a hike around beautiful timothy lake. We found a tree with testicles. We chatted about a bunch of different things, I cant really recall them all now but it was the most I have ever spoken with linda before. When we got back I wrote some things down in a notebook I had brought so that I would remember to think about them later. They were:

What is it about a campfire that people can just stare at it for hours without saying a word? It just draws you into it somehow.

Consider exploring intent and projecting it in different ways

And then the dream thing.


After we had returned home jordan and I were talking about the whole event and how we both really needed it to get away from the house. Somehow we got on the topic of lindas friends. I had met the best of them, she has lots of other friends, but none of the others are really all that close, and they are all pretty crazy and bad friends in one way or the other. Thats the thing he said. "she has 3 or 4 friends that actually genuinly care about her". That got me thinking. Do I have any friends like that? Yeah I do.
Jordan
Tamsin
Zaamen
Alex
I have plenty of other "friends" but none of the others genuinely care about me. Which got me to thinking, I realized that I am the kind of person who genuinely cares about all of my friends, thats just who I am, the caregiver. But Ive been feeling lately like people are just returning my friendship with negativity and generally just ignoring me. I came to an impass. I dont want to have these negative friendships, but I really want to stay close to these people. I wasnt really sure what to do.
The night ended with those thoughts on my mind.

Before Camping

Before the camping trip I was feeling pretty crappy. I had just been laid off, three of my housemates are moving out and I feel like Im running out of time to find new people or a new place.

I decided that I needed to stop and relax so I picked up Final Fantasy IX again.
It was good to get back into a game that was just a game. Something with a beginning and an end. I know I am going to be having less time than ever to enjoy those games.

I was feeling really tired of dealing with my friends. Sean and Brennan have both been very negative to me lately and priscilla has constantly been brushing me off. I want to stay their friends but I am getting tired of putting so much energy into the friendships and getting nothing in return.

I had lunch with my family that night as it was my fathers birthday. For the most part the evening was full of my mother and sister bickering back and fourth like children, with me and my dad popping in every now and again with comedic remarks. I told my parents about my dreams having people in them I didnt know yet but have met. My mom said she isnt surprised, apparently my grandmother had a strong spychic sense about her. I didnt really get to ask for more detail because I noticed my dad looking rather lost and surprised. Hes a hard core christian, I didnt want to bring up such mystic ideas on his birthday. Ill have to ask more about my grandmother later.

overclocked

There is so very much to blog about right now. Before the camping trip, the trip, what I discovered, what I have decided after and also the world around me. I cant possibly address it all right now.

Memories

Virtue - You dont need a reason to help people.
Sorrow - How do you prove that you exist...? maybe we dont exist..
Dilemma - Having sworn fealty must I spend my life in servitude?
Indulgence - I do what I want! You have problem!?
Devotion - Someday I will be queen, but I will always be myself.
Despair - To be forgotten is worse than death.
Arrogance - The only dependable thing about the future is uncertainty.
Solitude - I don't wanna be alone anymore...

These were the first philosophical ideals introduced to me when I was in eighth grade and started playing through FF9. It was when I started pondering existance, servitude, the future and various other concepts, it gave me something to think about when I used to sit in my tree during recess. Its ironic that the game brings back such fond memories of my childhood even though it was not a very fond time for me. I'm going to play through it again, I think I need to reconsider the basics of these concepts. Its only natural for people to reinvent themselves every now and again, for me I feel that to keep growing as a person I need to better grasp these.

fuck life the universe and everything

Im so stressed out right now.
Sean and brennan have totally checked out. They know they are leaving in a month and have completely stopped cleaning up after themselves, on top of that they just bought a half ounce and are going to be fucked up for the next four days straight.
Kenny told me he is looking to leave the same time as them instead of later. Which means in a month and a half me and jordan need to find 2 or 3 room mates just to keep this house otherwise we have to move out. Of our main prospects duc has decided he isnt interested in the least and abe doesnt look like hes going to be ready to move out that quickly. Sam still needs to get himself a steady enough job to be able to afford moving out.
If all that werent enough, I got laid off. After of course I have already set my college schedule and a work schedule to allow for me to still do both. So now Ive got to rethink my entire college schedule, find a job that will only work me MWF or get new classes, find 3 room mates or move out and find a new place. All in a months time. And if all that werent enough I dont think I can repair my friendship with priscilla, she seems pretty pissed at me for some reason. Ive got a bunch of random shit going on during new student week, and Ive got to get my shit together for a camping trip this weekend. All in all I just got hit with a ton of bricks today. The tea isnt helping this time and I cant quiet my mind during meditation. I just want to check out and relax but I keep getting panic attacks and migraines.

Fuck me
Fuck me in the ass

FUCK!

Im so fucking stressed out. Today has been a horrible day. I just want to hide in a corner and ignore the world.

Theres a storm brewing

If the world economy is truely on the verge of collapse in the next few years, then I worry for the future of mankind. It would be one thing if it were just our nation. I would no doubt join up with sean. Our nation would need leaders like him. However if the entire world falls into the economic black hole that appears to be looming over us in the next decade then I fear not just for myself, my family, or friends, but for the entire world over. Indeed we must become a one world economy. We must shoot beyond this planet. We must become more than our ancestors... but at what cost. I woke up in a haze, I was late for work and I felt like shit. I went to work and I felt like shit. I got home and felt like shit. Then I heard the news about the banks closing, and AIG on the verge of bankruptcy and the dow losing 500 points. I hope we can recover. Im sure we can. But to make it out of the next decade we need really competent leaders in power. I see the storm..

loneliness

le sigh

Sean finally came home tonight. There is so much we have to talk about. We had made plans to go to the park tonight and discuss so many things. Him with what he discovered at the Buddhist temple and me with my self evening meditations. I was really looking forward to sharing our revelations and ideas. But later in the evening he said he wasnt going to be up that late. He started making up all kinds of excuses. And of course I knew what it meant. Not 10 minutes ago he came downstairs with brennan. Both were totally high out of their minds. Marijuana had claimed my friends once again. I hate that drug with a passion. I can get along fine with them one on one if they are high, but when sean starts skipping out on something I hold so very important so he can get high with brennan it just pisses me off. I hate to say it. But I will be happy when they move out because I wont have to be so regularly disappointed by them choosing drugs over me. Damned marijuana, Id like to kick leo's ass for getting sean into drugs. I have always told myself I want sean to be the godfather of my children... but not if he starts back into this... I want the sober sean back. I want my friend back.

Amelie

Years ago back in high school we watched Amelie in sophomore French class. I only saw the first half of it and various clips of the last half of it. I fell asleep in class a lot. I didnt really pay much attention in class, French came very naturally to me so I didnt feel I needed to. I remember Madame Albert (Albere) used to compliment me on my very natural French accent. She used to wonder how I did so well when I didnt apply myself. To me I dont really know. In fact thats not really where I wanted to go with this blog.

What this is about is that I finished watching Amelie tonight. Having now seen the whole thing I realized what a beautiful piece it is. And actually it showed me exactly what my type is. I thought back to all the girls I have ever found myself interested in. They have always been very artistic. That is important to me. I like girls with artistic expression. I like girls with hobbies that I can get into like photos and drawing. I like girls that think differently, the kind that see things others wouldnt recognize. The type whos minds seem to operate just a little differently than your typical girl. I like the cute girls, not the voluptuous amazonian goddesses that we create and call beautiful. But most importantly I like girls who have beautiful hearts. Girls that enjoy reaching out and helping people. Those are my type. Girls like Allison, Crystal, Priscilla, Heather and Natasha. These are the types I am so inspired by and these are the types I want to get to know more. I'm actually really happy I am going to PSU. It is sort of a focal point for the kind of thought I so enjoy. One day I will find an Amelie to share life with... one day.

60 going on 16

I have historically been pretty close to my bosses at work. This one particularly every now and again likes to rant to me about how old he is feeling and about his girlfriends anxiety attacks and how he doesnt think her therapist is any good. He is really easy to get going. We go back and forth discussing things and I usually give him some insight into what is probably going on in the minds of the people around him. Sound advice and the like. Today however was kind of special.

At the end he said to me, "Dave you are a really great listener and I appreciate your advice. I dont know what it is... I feel like Im looking at a 16 year old. But also like Im talking to a 60 year old that has seen as much as me. You are one of the wisest people I have ever met, but you are so young. Its like you died and came back, but retained all that wisdom." He added "Ive never seen you get upset, you are so easy going and you always do a good job. I like that about you. In fact in all the years we have worked together the only time I ever saw you get upset was when your girlfriend left you. I've been married three times and I wanted more than anything else to give you some advice to tell you that it was going to be ok and that you would make it through it, but I couldnt find the words. But.. Im proud of you."

The best part is that he is a christian, who just suggested reincarnation. Now I believe in reincarnation anyway. I didnt want to tell him that in my meditation I have seen things from before my time. Possibly from my past lives. I really dont get much love in the way of compliments, I dont really know how to take them, compliments make me blush, but I love getting them more than anything else. My boss is always ready to tell me how well I am doing. It almost makes me sad to know that I will be leaving there one day to eventually become a teacher, but being a teacher is who I am inside and if I dont become what I am then I could never live with myself.

What happens next?

There comes a time in a babies life that they become aware of necessity. Hunger and sleep. No longer are you swaying in the wind, but you actually take some control of yourself and develop your senses. Sometime after that you begin to operate on a higher level of awareness, a self awareness. At this stage you become aware of not just necessity, not just the 5 senses. But rather you become aware of what you want. You begin to start to see the world as more than what is just directly in front of you. Even after that you become further aware. You begin to see deeper. Your conscious exists somewhere between your eyes and your brain. This is when people really begin to create and identify with who they are.

Most people will operate out of this level of consciousness for the rest of their lives. Its the sort of "grown-up" part. I had heard about operating on a higher level of consciousness. One where you exist on a super planar field and your body merely becomes a tool. Similar to the experience of opening up the seventh chakra. For a friend of mine to experience this he needed to take some special drugs. I however have experienced similar things without any.

Today I experienced somewhere between where he went on his trip and where I normally operate out of. Note: without the use of any "enhancing" drugs. I was at Winco, and I just started watching the looks on every bodies faces. There was not a single happy soul in the building. Everyone had a long face, they looked defeated, downtrodden and utterly destroyed inside. There was a constant dull roar of babies crying echoing off in the distance. I overheard someone say "Put that back, we cant afford that much food". The negative energy was so great and so strong that the moment I took it all in and realized just how unhappy so much of the world was I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to puke. In that moment I became aware of the not just the feelings of everyone in a giant warehouse, but also the existance of so many people.

Normally people sort of live their lives experiencing only what directly effects them. Their jobs, their immediate friends, their family. In that moment I experienced and acknowledged the existence, feelings, and energy of enough souls to fill that winco warehouse. I was overcome with grief. I started questioning myself. Why are these people so sad? where did their lives go wrong to put them in this place? What are their life stories. In that moment I wanted to reach out to each and every person there. I wanted to ask them what happened? I wanted to know if there was anything I could do. How could I help them? What would make these people smile and dispel the negative energy in their lives? I wanted to help them. I wanted to help all of them. But there were too many. I felt completely overloaded. I wanted to save them, all of them.

If life is but a dream

What a profound few days it has been. Amidst dealing with my own fear of being alone until Im old and bitter I have also been doing a lot of soul searching and meditation. One such subject I discussed with Tam. If life is but a dream, what is the significance of dreams within the greater dream that is life? Now Tam is one of the few people I have met who has actually experienced a similar aspect of life as I have. We very in many many ways, but he actually sees experiences in a very similar light. Both tam and I have had dreams in which we saw each other. In his case he was driving his car and in the car was jennell and myself. But he had never even seen me before. In my case I was working in a computer lab with him and noticed a particularly strange mouse pad, I then moved the mouse pad to a working computer next to it. I had also, never known tam at the time of the dream. In both cases, both events would eventually happen. Exactly as they played out in the dream. Truely a rare find. I have had many dreams like this where I met people I didnt know in a dream but would later come to meet in my life. But I digress.

It is his belief that what he and I experience in our dreams are a sort of checkpoint. Like the universes way of telling us we are on the right track to whatever our destinies may hold. I actually have to say that this makes a ton of sense. First I met zaamen, then priscilla and now tam. I actually am really looking forward to the next checkpoint. This however doesnt give much answer to the dreams that appear to have nothing realistic to them. Nightmares and the like.

This bit I came to of my own accord. I believe that there is a message in our dreams, that our dreams are like signs trying to send us towards the checkpoints and letting us know just what we must do within ourselves. Telling us we need to explore what is shown to us. In my case I have been plagued by nightmares of a shadowy figure abducting all of my closest friends and then assaulting me. Ive woken up physically shaking from this nightmare. But I believe it is telling me that I must deal with my fear before I am to see the next checkpoint. I suppose only time will tell. But for now that is my answer to the significance of dreams within the greater dream that is life. They are arrows pointing us in the direction of whatever is coming next, they tell us when we are on the right path. How does our path affect our life or greater dream the next time we are reincarnated? I havent figured that one out yet.

Star Crossed Man

At night I go to clinton park. Its not too long of a walk. I go there to meditate and train. Tonight I did very little training. I mostly just watched the starlit sky. I must have seen a dozen shooting stars. Starlight starbright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may. I wish I might. Have my wish come true tonight. It never happens though. I could wish on every star in the sky and I would still be alone. Love, it seems has a way of avoiding me.

As I watched the sky I thought to myself. I would give it all up. My foresight, my wisdom, my knowledge, my revelations, my epiphanies, my ability, my strength, my everything. I would give all I am for love. Someone says why would you give up who you are for some woman? I say, "She's not just some woman.". I have known love, but I have always had to fight for it. I have always had to make it happen. Love never comes naturally to me. Yet it is the one thing I need most from this world. I once had a dream, in the dream a boy drew a knife on me and said "I would kill for her love", I looked him in the eyes and said "I would die for her love". She haunts my dreams, yet it seems so too is her love limited to that realm.

I feel that fate has conspired against me. I am a wanderer. I am alone. Growing up in a small private school I was left alone because my family had no money. At home I was alone. My parents emotionless and loveless beings. They showed their love by feeding me and keeping a roof over my head. That alone was their only way of showing love, and reason enough for them to require me to respect them. Growing up I had few or no friends. No love for or from others. But no man is an island. I can not always be a lonely wanderer. I have created friendships on the path I have cut for myself. Friendships I hold most precious. I have experienced true absolute bliss in the loving embrace of another. But that could not last. Fate it seems wanted to take her from me. Again I was alone. I keep fighting on. I called on my friendships for comradery, for companionship on the path we all shared. I had amassed a close circle of adventurers who were cutting their own paths and discovering for themselves where now to go. And just as fate would have it, they are all soon to be leaving. I find myself watching as fun filled faces disappear from around my campfire. Now there is only a few, and I ask myself... "how much longer till they leave? How much longer till I can no longer hear them saying goodbye?"
"How long will I wander before meeting new souls with which to share the experience and path of life?"

How long must I fight fates hand before I can share in loves embrace again? Life made me a lover and a caretaker, but fate has made me a wanderer. All my lives I have been a wanderer. Yet I want nothing more than to stop walking and rest for a while. Ive grown so weary of this fight, of this game. I dont want to travel lonely plains anymore. All I want is to rest and live forever in my dreams where her loves embrace finds open arms and a loving soul. Please... let me sleep and dont wake me up.

I miss them

This morning I cried while driving into work. Last night i watched bad news bears. It reminded me of my childhood. Back when I played little league baseball. Which reminded me of my nephews. I helped raise those kids for almost their entire lives. I learned to be a father figure to travis back when I was only in 6th grade. I miss jr staying up with me and falling asleep in my arms. I miss comforting Jeremiah every time mom left for work. I miss watching Travis learn to ride a bike, or swing a bat, or play his first video game. I miss making dinner for them. I miss their bad attitudes and occasional tantrums. hell, i miss changing their diapers. I miss their smiles. I miss their frowns. I miss looking into their eyes and seeing the perfect image of innocents and childhood dreams. I miss being a father.

I think I can

Sigh... Bishop, I need your level of patience. I cant imagine the things he went through. Im going to go through not really the hardest thing Ive ever gone through, but certainly the most grueling, it has potential to be the hardest. Why do I do this to myself?

What would you do if I sang out of tune?

Life never ceases to amaze me. On the last eve of a great event the sky starts falling.
This weekend was great. I loved every bit of it. From hanging out with Tam and Duc, to Priscilla and Victoria. It really was great to see Priscilla again. I cant remember when the last time was that I actually saw her. Money is going to be really really tight. Kenny is thinking about leaving too. My headaches are coming back, the rest of my body feels like it is falling apart. I really want to see a doctor. And to top it off my parents dog disappeared. Not sure if he got out of the house or crawled into a corner and died. He is really old. My mom is upset at me for it. My thoughts are all jumbled up right now. I need to sort them. I need to discover the lesson life is trying to teach me. But most importantly I need to figure out what to do about myself.

I feel like Im looking at a mixed up jigsaw puzzle. But its one of those ones you have to cross your eyes to see the picture correctly.

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me ?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone ?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you're on your own ?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you but I know it's mine,

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
with a little help from my friends.