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I took lunch today with tamsin. He is such a wise person. I sort of lost sean somewhere and managed to run into tam. Im glad I did. I told him about my dillema with me putting in so much effort and energy into friendships that werent going anywhere. I asked him if he ever had to deal with that. The guy is 36, married, been divorced once before, was in the navy and robbed a bank so I figure hes been around the block once or twice. His responce was absolutely yes, all the time.

He talked about how a short while ago he got back in contact with a bunch of friends of his from highschool and that they were all very much the same people they were in highschool. Something I can definitely understand, many of my friends are the same way. He saw that even 20 years later there was no person growth between them. They still were just a bunch of fucks that didnt really get what life was about yet. He couldnt stay close friends with them because he was putting so much into being their friend but they never responded with any of their own.

Now I am torn. An old friend of mine once said that she is very different from the girl I knew in highschool, she didnt fight for things back then like she does now. which to me would mean to fight for my friendships and not to just let them go. Specially the really important ones. But at the same time I feel drained. I cant keep putting all this energy into being friends with these people when they just treat me like shit. And the sad thing is I know it is on purpose. It takes effort to be rude to people, it takes effort to ignore people. With friends like them who needs enemies? Im not going to let them treat me this way anymore. Fuck them. Im learning to be young again and I know I am going to meet tons of people out there. My life is finally starting to take the shape of my destiny.