Whats Dave Doing?

Its been a while since my last post so I figured I would write a little something to catch people up on my comings and goings.

Things have really settled into place here at tam and jenells. It looks like they are going to let me stay here for as long as it works for everyone. They arent even going to require me to give them rent. I do still want to give them money or food or something.

I got a job working as a secret shopper for a certain chain store, I cant say which or it would compromise my identity. The pay is good and I get to more or less decide when I work. Unfortunately due to the snow I havent been able to get out to any stores.

This winter is very different from previous ones. Im used to bad things happening during the holidays, parents having strokes or girlfriend breaking up with me, or relatives getting divorced. And in one sense it still happened with a friend of mine that I directly tried to talk to. She gave me the cold shoulder, and to think she was going to let me front the bill for mewcon without telling me everyone else had already jumped ship, bitch.. oh well. I guess the image I had of her is gone now and I see her as she really is.

But more importantly this winter has been a time of forgiveness and rebuilding broken bonds and bridges. Mark came back to our circle of friends after his crazy wife flipped out on him and took him for all he was worth. Poor guy was blinded by love. I guess its the natural way of things for nice guys like him to get hurt this way. We had a lan party for him. We all gave him a big welcome back hug. Its good to have him back.

I made note to myself a long time ago that I had turned over a new leaf and that it was time I let the rest of the world do the same. I had finally accepted I needed to forgive ricky. So I finally did. We are talking again as brothers. Im glad to have him back in my life too.

Ultimately Ive lost a very important friend to me, but I have gained a brother, a comrade, two new housemates that are really great people, a job, and life seems to be steadying itself. I know this wont last forever, but I am really enjoying things right now. Now Im just missing a girl, but that will find its own course.

Second chances again

I finally realized why it bothers me so much to watch some people make foolish mistakes... its the parent factor. Parents deal with this kind of stuff. When their kids are growing up they make decisions that someone more experienced see's and wants to stop... but Ive always said that parents need to learn when its time to let their children make mistakes and fuck up their lives. Its easy to say that. But I am feeling the same way they do now.

I will learn from this so I dont have this problem when I am actually a parent.

Energy, Spirituality, Awareness

This is so weird. Im just sitting here thinking. Then I suddenly became aware that the meridian lines between my 4-7 chakras were all active and flowing between them, but why not the first three?

Its Official

Im a Magnum! Take that tall people! Im bigger where it counts >:^P

second chances

I have realized some things. There are somethings in life you have to learn for yourself I guess. No amount of wisdom from the worlds greatest teachers can reach into the hearts, minds, eyes, ears, tongues, and hands of people who have let the blind lead the blind, the twisted teach the innocent, and the forked tongues speak for the mute.

There has always been a redeeming thing about humans that I have found myself completely in love with but lately Ive felt an uneasy grip creep up my spine. That not all the people in the world give a damn. Ive been so lucky to know so many caring and loving people. I have very rarely found myself caring about people who dont give a damn. I think now that I have seen their true colors its time to let them destroy themselves from the inside out until they come to see themselves for who they have become.

I however will never stop caring for them. Sometimes it hurts more to hope, it hurts more to care, but you can never let yourself stop caring. I believe people can change their lives if they want to, I believe in second chances.

O Rly?

Today was totally hellish. The final stages of moving out are done for me, though there is going to be a fight between jordan and sean Im sure. It may turn into a throw down... Ill have to step in and stop it. I have my japanese written final tomorrow and I havent done any studying this weekend at all due to the move. But enough of all the bad shit today. There is something more important...

I was listening to 105.1 the buzz today while going to pick up matt. You can all thank Daria for this one. According to a recent study, of all the europian peoples the french have the biggest penis' and the greeks have the smallest. On average the french man has a 6-6.5" penis. They didnt go into detail about the width. This frankly amazes me. Only one girl has ever seen mine and she said it was big but I just thought she was being nice. I remember back when I used to use condoms, they were always really fucking tight for me. I was curious so I went to wikipedia and looked up magnum condoms http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnum_(condom)
I have never tried one on myself but if their measurements are right then I should be somewhere between the magnum and magnum xl.

Nothing like an ego boost to brighten your day.

2 weeks

Im finally settled down at tam and jenelles. Ive got a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it.
2 weeks until Im finished with this term.
2 weeks to get my student aid figured out.
2 weeks to see if living here works out.
2 weeks to write 4-6 pages of essays.
2 weeks to master my japanese.
2 weeks to get a job
2 weeks.... Its going to be a busy 2 weeks. No time to rest. Got to finish this race.

S.A.D. .. here it comes again

Hello depression my old friend
Here to rear your ugly head again
Please go away, leave me be
I have no time to deal with me

15, 25, 45, 1 hour, 2
Where am I? How long have I been here?
The water has turned backwards from noon to nine.
But by now it feels like six.

The rain is cold and I am naked
But my pruned skin keeps me blanketed
Splish slash making ripples in the bath
Im playing in a stream, falling down the drain
I think its time to get out of this rain.

I opened the door
The cold wind greets me With a slap in the face
Just another day

Day by day I walk along
Waiting for the day Im not alone
Its the holidays be happy!

I am happy
If I say it enough maybe I will believe myself.

This blog is over 500

Wow, 500 profile views. Thanks to all my viewers out there in internet land. Glad someones reading this.

Time to give it the old one two

Alright... chest out, head high, stern upper lip. Now is the time for action. I can not let myself be overcome by the challenge in front of me. Time to push through all of this.

keep moving

Im worried. I dont have a job, I dont have a new place to live. I dont know if I want to live with jordan. Im down to my last $20. I lose internet on the twenty fifth so it will be much harder to find any of those things. To be honest, Im a little scared right now.
I feel like Im deaf dumb and blind. I dont know who to turn to or where to go.
I know things will get better, I just need to keep moving... things will get better.

Rest In Peace, Madison Peterson-Hill Part 3

I thought about Madison's death on the way to the funeral. I found myself thinking about the gross disregard for the sanctity of human life. How could someone do this to another human being? Part of me wanted to get angry... but I didnt. Instead I found myself pitying the murderers. I wept for the loss of such a young man just in the summer of his life.

From the car to the church were marines standing at attention holding American flags. It was difficult to maintain my composure. The funeral itself reminded me of a quaker style wedding, I can only guess their funerals would be in similar taste. They had large groups of people from various times and groups come forward to talk about the memories they shared and what a great person their friend was. How proud he had made them. I knew the stories from the people that knew him in elementary school were semi-embellished and so did they. But I think it was better this way.

The stories and memories of the more recent Madison clearly had no spin. I am glad to know that he was a much better person than I had known. I actually think that had I met him again later in his life we could have been better friends. I was truly amazed by how many peoples lives he had touched. There must have been 350 people there. All of whom had some kind of connection to Madison from some time in his life. I guess its not surprising to meet or know that many people in 22 years, rather what surprised me was that so many cared enough to come to his funeral.

The funeral was not what I had expected. I ended up sitting next to Alex Hernandez and
apparently two other people that knew me back when I was just a toddler. I guess they used to carpool with us. It was strange. I havent been back to that place since I left it behind me at the end of 8th grade. I no longer felt all the spite and malice towards its people. I guess that is a tribute to how far I have come since then.

As I left the funeral I stopped to think about my own life. The people I have known and who would actually come to my own funeral. I think mine would be pretty small in comparison. There would be my family of 10. Mithril would make a showing of at least 4, maybe a few more from the general community. My speaker sean, and the various friends Ive kept over the years would include jordan, brennan, kenny, sam, ben, both matts, john, kyle, linda, jerald, thomas, heather, brandon, josh... maybe some of my more recent friends in Patrick and Shoshana. Thats not too small a number I suppose. Its kind of sick but you can almost accurately measure your pace in life by how many people would come to your funeral. I will have to think about this more later...

Here is to you Madison. May your soul find rest until you are drawn back into life.
Fin

Rest In Peace, Madison Peterson-Hill Part 2

I just found out the details of Madison's death.
Turns out he was in Washington DC with his real father and girlfriend. He decided to go out for a jog. Some people in a car jumped him, beat him up, shot him, stole his wallet and threw him over a freeway over pass where he was hit by a SUV then another small car. They have already used his credit cards.

I will reflect on this later tonight after the funeral.

Gigati gigati goo he.. alright

one of the hot japanese teachers caught up with me after class and was asking lots of personal questions. She was shocked I am only 21. She thought I was a senior in college. Said I seemed so very mature. It was probably nothing but Im going to let my imagination run wild on this one.

Rest In Peace, Madison Peterson-Hill

I dont know what to say...
You werent the closest of friends with me. Actually more than anything you were a rival of mine. I hated you back then. Looking back on it, it wasnt you I hated but rather the world I was surrounded by. A world you crafted and permeated. You always were a leader of men. You were meant to be so much more than you realized. I didnt realize it myself back then in elementary school but I was always trying to beat your records, always striving to just once be faster, stronger or better than you in just one way. I dont even know why. You even joined the Marines when I myself considered it but walked away. I dont regret my decision... but it takes real balls to take that step. Its fucked up isnt it? You prepare yourself for your friends to die in combat but you never expect them to be killed while crossing the street.

Ive been thinking about the life you were given and the world you lived in. I wonder now... what life will you live the next trip around? Was your soul twisted and dark? Was it beautiful and strong? What will you experience the next time around?

I always expected to be the first of my friends to die. The headaches, the body pains, the danger I always seem to put myself in. Ive always had this kind of feeling for several years that I wouldnt make it past 25 years old. That might have just been me being pessimistic.

The man known as Madison Peterson-Hill is now dead, though his soul lives on. The journey of the soul is just beginning. Good luck and Gods speed. May you life a happier life the next time around.

Keeping my head forward towards tomorrow

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!


Ive decided... fuck it. What will be will be. If things get patched up, great. I wont hold any more grudges. I turned over a new leaf many many years ago. I think its time I let everyone else do the same.

Damnit Michael Bolton

I cant sleep tonight. It is really important that I get lots of sleep tonight and finish out this week strong, but I just cant seem to drift off. There is too much on my mind I guess. Mostly Michael Bolton songs stuck in my head. I try to push it out of my thoughts but then my thoughts go to guess who. We had a brief exchange on an image posting sight about a time we saw each other. She said she saw someone she thought looked like me, then went to go get coffee.

Heres the part that bothers me. I remember the faces of everyone I went to elementary school with. Hell Ive seen them some 10 years later and still recognized them, and Ive got a bad memory. Peoples faces dont change that much. Which leads me to believe either she was avoiding me or she honestly doesnt remember what my face looks like, which is kind of fucked up because Ive got one hell of a mug.

Its sad when I think about it. We used to be good friends, then one day she just decided she was going to write me off completely. Stopped talking to me. Then much later she came out of the blue and said she was ready to be friends again. I wasnt angry at her at all but I told her if she had beef with me she had better tell me or it wouldnt really resolve anything. We were cool again for a while then she stopped talking to me again. After this happened a second time I got a bit miffed and was distant the last time we hung out. Which I guess was reason enough for her to stop talking to me again. I dont understand her game.

Now I guess she doesnt recognize me anymore. I can rack my brain all night about this and ultimately I just have to say I dont know why. I dont know why she got mad at me the first time because she never told me. I dont know why or how many times she got mad at me again, because she never told me. And now I dont know why she is avoiding me or has actually forgotten my face.. because she doesnt ever tell me why she is upset. Actually now that I think about it.. even if she saw someone that looked like me then that means she does remember what I look like but wasnt interested in seeing if it was me. Which means she's avoiding me.

I guess it ultimately doesnt matter. Because the reality of the situation is that she doesnt tell me anything, wont tell me anything, is apparently avoiding me, which means she isnt interested in engaging me when the situation arises. Maybe she just needs some time away.

Wiki's definition of a friend is this:
Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
• sympathy and empathy,
• honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• mutual understanding.

I have always desired what is best for her, I always tried to give her good advice and wish her the best even when I had my heart broken, but that was ok because I was still a friend to her. I was always empathetic with her situations. I have always been honest with her about everything especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart. And I have always tried to maintain mutual understanding with her.

I finally stopped putting any effort into the friendship and just as I foresaw, and I must admit, she offers none of the same. There is no friendship. But I guess I should have expected this from the beginning when I said absolute honesty is key for any relationship even friendships and she said she disagreed and that privacy was more important.

We go through life, learning the lessons. This is one I have learned before but unfortunately this time my dance partner didnt want to learn the steps. Its too bad, she was a great friend once upon a time in a galaxy far far away... maybe if Im lucky there will be a sequel or a prequel one day.

Damnit Michael Bolton... now you are all thats keeping me awake

Mohandas karamchand Gandhi

Ive been thinking about a lot of things lately. Most notably the time Linda, Brita and I spent at Chang's Mongolian Grill. I guess you could call it girl talk on a rather intellectual level. We talked about the relationships we had been in, but not just the stories... also who we were and how we were back then. Why we did the things we did. Linda and Brita have known each other for a long time and have seen the way each other have grown. They are both very remarkable people. But what has been on my mind is something that the two of them kept going back to when referring to a few of their friends or ex's. That they seemed to be people who always were looking to see the bad in people. They were the kind of people who didnt trust anyone because they were expecting to be betrayed or some such worry. At the time I just said that I dont understand how someone can live like that, expecting the worst of people. But the truth is I totally understood. I used to be the same way. I saw the destruction and warped minds of people and the lives they lived. I used to trust nobody at all. I was a very heartless person, I didnt even trust my own parents not to off me in the night. Not that I was paranoid of it, but rather wouldnt be surprised.

It wasnt until a very close and personal friend of mine many years ago told me that they trusted me even though they didnt know much about me at the time. This was something amazing to me as I didnt even much trust my own shadow. That one comment from a friend was the first thing to pierce my rotten twisted hardened heart. Since that day my life has had its ups and downs, but I have grown in a direction greater than I could ever have imagined. It has been years since I reformed and instead I see the good in everyone. I guess I see it as, "if I had good in me then everyone must". Truth be told this is a huge part of why I want to teach high school. I want to be the teacher that believes in his angsty students. I want to help them see the good in life before they enter the real world as lost children amongst hungry tigers. The world in general seems to swallow up good people, but I want to change that for the new generations. The catcher in the rye if you will.
I am reminded of one of the worlds greatest teachers... "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"- Mohandas Gandhi

life finds ways to teach you things

haha, sometimes life has a real funny way of teaching you things.
In the last few weeks Ive met quite possibly the most abrasive person I have ever met. Ive never found myself to be trying to be rid of someone quite like this before. I mean really... asking me to call them when they get home and when I get out of class and texting me every day about what they are upset about now... honestly... I feel bad for how I must have seemed to priscilla. I rarely vented to her, actually it was usually me listening to all the drama in her life about her friends, school, her parents a lot, her brother and on occasion her blood thing... and giving her advice. And now that I think about it more, when I did want to talk to her about stuff she tried to distance herself and said I was being clingy...wow that was a really one sided friendship... I dont regret it, actually this whole thing has taught me a lot.

But now that Ive got someone who is being really clingy I feel kind of bad for how she must have felt. When I did want to talk to her about things I must have come on really strong. Next time she and I actually do get into contact I will have to remember to apologize. I guess you cant expect someone to be willing to just hold you up. Ive learned this:
You can not make your way into someones life once they decide they have no interest in sharing it with you.

I told myself not to do it

I told myself not to do it... that it wouldnt end well.
I did it anyway. Those eyes pierce through my heart even after so long.
I honest to god loved her. I find it funny sometimes how something can
seem so right and so beautiful so perfect, and then when you least expect it,
it all goes to hell.
Shes married and has a child now.
I miss having a female friend, I miss having an intelligent virtuous female friend.
I miss you Ally. Even if you did tear out my heart because your parents didnt like me.
You were one of the best things to ever happen to me.
Life goes on, and so must I. I can not focus on these things for too long. I am a different
person now.

Another night, another dream and its always you

Another dream last night.
I was walking through a dorm, I saw Subin, he was making strange drinks with this orange stuff in it. I went to talk to him and saw he was chatting with priscilla and victoria. They walked off as soon as I showed up. I ended up catching up to priscilla and dragging her aside. In a raised voice I asked her why she was mad at me and why she kept throwing our friendship away. She looked away and started to walk off. At this I grabbed her arm and said dont be like that. Talk to me.

The drink Subin gave me made me need to go to the bathroom. While I went, she left.

Wait.. what happened?

I woke up with a fine cut on my hand. What the fuck happened?

To You Sir Fratley

Today my father told me something very interesting.
He said that he was looking through the company books.
In the last three quarters the company has pushed over a quarter
of a million dollars in gross revenue. And they are projecting more
for next year. I know my parents want
me to take over the company in ten years or so when they are
ready to retire. But I feel I am born to teach.

Sometimes I wonder if I could use the company to form a foundation.
Its always been a dream of mine to make a college. Id want my foundation
to build a college, help research fighting medical conditions and form a
martial arts studio.

This is all very much the far off dreams using something isnt yet mine
and may not be there in the future. But I want to use money to help people
Im just a good person like that. Its just my nature. Perhaps everything I wish for is just
in my dreams. But dreams can sometimes be realized.
"The road remains wide open while your dreams are alive. Only fear can block the way."

And turn the page

Abe made a very interesting comment while reading this blog. He said to me, "I know Im in no place to tell you this, but you've got to stop letting this girl get to you.". I thought to myself. Wow. Ive been blogging for the better part of four months about this same thing. Not strickly, there have been other flavors there. After all I created this blog to be my emo-land fill. If someone were to read this and think this is all that I did and that it consumed me they would have a very skewed view of my life. Truth is, I dont really let the events of my past bother me too much. I observe the position I was in and try to grow from it. I think finally ready to put an end to all this pain and misery. I hope to still be friends with her in the future. But that is yet to be seen.

lier!

The Worst thing about being lied to is knowing you werent worth the truth

The Traveler

"Onward, onward, down this lonely path of dirt and pebbles.

Towards your destination of something that could have been.

With no one behind or ahead of you, you have nothing but yourself.

You tread on, with every meaningful step, but who is there to hear your triumphs?

You keep your head up, you lock the tears in a cellar, you coat your heart in a layer of light and beauty.

Yet you are invisible to everyone.

You have absolutely nothing in either hand, but you give everything you can.

But who will ever want something that comes from nothing?

Deep inside the black hole of your soul is the very thing everyone looks for, its so magnificent and bright yet incredible incomprehensible.

Travel on in hopes of finding someone or something to join you in your journey to find the truth of it all.

Perhaps then you will find out that I was there all along, believing and hoping and giving you everything."
~Spit. (I dont remember her real name but she goes by spit)

Every word of this piece speaks that which has been my life for so long. She perfectly captured the way and life of the traveler. Is it strange that I see myself in this and not the artist? Perhaps I am too self-centered.

I was reading the comments on my myspace profile. I eventually came to the video Priscilla made of her playing a music box that sang happy birthday. I hold back tears... I've been such a fool...

If she ever reads this

Hey Priscilla, If you ever read this I just want you to know.
What ever happens in life, whatever happens between you and whomever
I will always be here to give you good advice, no strings attached. I realize I made a huge mistake back at the sushi place. You were trying to be friendly again and I brushed you off. I was having a bad week and my pride got in the way. Maybe you wont talk to me again until con time. If that happens thats just what happens. But I want you to know, I miss being your friend. Maybe you will never let me be a friend again. Maybe you will forgive me and let the past be the past. Perhaps this is a cowardly way for me to say all this, but I dont want to ruin your birthday. Happy 19th. Enjoy it, be safe, make wise decisions and remember the words of your father... use protection ;)

Yeah... I like cher

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way I'd take back those words that hurt you and you'd stay

I don't know why I did the things I did I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons they wound sometimes.

I didn't really mean to hurt you I didn't wanna see you go I know I made you cry, but baby

[Chorus:]
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

If I could turn back time

My world was shattered I was torn apart
Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart
You walked out that door I swore that I didn't care
But I lost everything darling then and there

Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know that I was blind, and ooh...

[Chorus]

Ooohh

If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
ooh baby

I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't want to see you go
I know I made you cry
Ooohh

[Chorus #2]
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

If I could turn back time (turn back time)
If I could find a way (find a way)
Then baby, maybe, maybe
You'd stay

[to fade]
Reach the stars
If I could reach the stars

RAAAAAGE

I cant manage all of this. Im so stressed out. I got laid off. My room mates are leaving, I need to find 3 new room mates in a month. I cant afford to stay and cover half the rent. I cant afford to leave and get a smaller place. I cant afford to eat. I havent been sleeping well. The girl of my dreams who I was madly in love with is really into someone else and doesnt even trust me as a friend anymore. I had to borrow money from duc just to get by this month. And my car needs repairs again since the tire blew out. GOD DAMNIT! What else is coming down the pipe? What else is going to happen? Im so fucking pissed and tired of all this shit! FUCK ME! Apparently Ive done something horrible to deserve all this shit. I dont know what to do about it. Its too much. I cant just ignore it, but I havent got the energy or the will power to deal with all this right now. God damnit... I cant do this on my own, I need someone to lean on right now.

Of memories and Gelato

Duc and I were talking the other day about how nice guys always finish last. About how one his girlfriend left him for "other experiences" before coming back to him. She just wanted to have a fling with some jerk who treated her badly. Sometimes it really seems that way. Nice guys want to give the world to a woman. But women are more attracted to the wallet and men who just want a fling. I remember seeing a woman on comedy central who was getting on in age. Her bit was based around telling women that she used to go through guys like tissues. Suddenly she was 36 and the box was empty. She went looking for that really nice one she trashed. I dont know why people are so afraid to let someone love them. My sister did the damned thing the other day. A very close friend of hers, Akie or some such philipino name I cant spell, pronounced his love for her... She punched him in the throat and wont talk to him anymore. When I asked her about it she said that kind of thing ruins friendships. And maybe it does, but how was he supposed to know that she would do that? The heart isnt something you can shutup, it needs to release. Ill tell you what ruins friendships... punching people that love you in the throat. I feel for the guy, honestly I think my sister could really use a nice guy.

As duc and I went on talking I started remembering the first time I met priscilla. I remember seeing her walk out the door, I thought to myself, wow, who is this energetic girl? I remember thinking to myself how small she was when she sat next to me in the car. I remember hearing drift away play in a near by car. I turned on the radio and sang along. The look on her face was so precious. She had the cutest smile I had ever seen. I knew right then that I was smitten. That I had found someone special. She was so shy back then.

I remember that day we spent downtown. We shared a delicious berry crepe. I held her hand for the first time then. It was cold out, she said her hands were cold so she let me feel how cold they were. The outside was cold, but I could feel a warmth running through them. We spent much of the day browsing saturday market before running into the anonymous protesters outside the church of Scientology. We got a lot of pictures taken. It was at this point I discovered her obsession with taking pictures of food. She took a picture of a protester in a Guy Fawkes mask making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. She has always had an eye for the obscure. She liked to look behind signs and walls for stickers or graffiti. I think thats really cool. That she sees things other people would just pass by without so much as a second look. Not only does she see them, she takes pictures of them. I dont say this very much but that is really rad. There is some kind of passion for the slightly off kilter that drives her. I can really appreciate that. Ive been inspired by her and started taking pictures of food and obscure things, if for no other reason than to try to open my eyes to the levels of reality around myself that I would otherwise miss.

We spent a little time at the anti-war rally, took pictures of a guy in a giant suit that resembled the faceless things in spirited away. I remember going to 23rd thinking that she would like some of the strange things they have in the small shops. To my surprise she was more interested in the signs outside than the stuff inside the shops. Unless of course it involved food. haha, Ive always known girls to love food, but never like this. We went to a japenese restaurant and had this chicken curry. I was a bit surprised at first. I wanted to offer to share but I didnt think she would be up for that, we hadnt known each other for that long after all. She however it turned out wanted to share to so we split the bowl. Perhaps I looked too far into it, but we both liked the same dish and both ate just enough to fill ourselves and had some left over. That showed me she had self control. She didnt gorge herself on unnecessary food.

It was getting late in the evening and I knew she liked sweets so we went to get gelato. I dont remember what kind we got, I was too busy being in shock. Here I was sitting at a chic cafe sharing a gelato with this girl I was falling for more and more every time she stopped to take a picture. I recall taking a picture with her up near this piece of art made of recycled metals. I dont have the photos myself but I remember seeing them. She kind of leaned into me when we took the picture, just a little bit. I didnt want to seem creepy so I kept myself composed. On the inside I was smiling so much. I felt like I had found someone I had connected with so strongly purely by chance.

It all seems like so long ago. Back when we shared music, back when we stayed up and watched star wars on spike tv. Back when she showed me threadless and I started buy T-shirts online. It all seems like so long ago. I know that the world never stops turning, but at least for a short while it slowed down...

facepalm

God damn it dave... what the hell is wrong with you? She was just being nice, a friendly picture or goodbye hug and you were a jerk about it. The moment I let both of those opportunities go I said to myself, "that was so stupid, how could you do that? Dont be so cold..". I think Im coming down with something, I dont feel well.

torn

ugh, why is it so hard for me to let go sometimes? I want to just tell them all to screw off. That Ive outgrown them. But they were so close before. Im just tired of the negativity and being ignored. I wish I could just put in less energy but I feel like if I do then they wont put any in at all and they will be lost to me. I dont know what to do anymore...

Home

I took lunch today with tamsin. He is such a wise person. I sort of lost sean somewhere and managed to run into tam. Im glad I did. I told him about my dillema with me putting in so much effort and energy into friendships that werent going anywhere. I asked him if he ever had to deal with that. The guy is 36, married, been divorced once before, was in the navy and robbed a bank so I figure hes been around the block once or twice. His responce was absolutely yes, all the time.

He talked about how a short while ago he got back in contact with a bunch of friends of his from highschool and that they were all very much the same people they were in highschool. Something I can definitely understand, many of my friends are the same way. He saw that even 20 years later there was no person growth between them. They still were just a bunch of fucks that didnt really get what life was about yet. He couldnt stay close friends with them because he was putting so much into being their friend but they never responded with any of their own.

Now I am torn. An old friend of mine once said that she is very different from the girl I knew in highschool, she didnt fight for things back then like she does now. which to me would mean to fight for my friendships and not to just let them go. Specially the really important ones. But at the same time I feel drained. I cant keep putting all this energy into being friends with these people when they just treat me like shit. And the sad thing is I know it is on purpose. It takes effort to be rude to people, it takes effort to ignore people. With friends like them who needs enemies? Im not going to let them treat me this way anymore. Fuck them. Im learning to be young again and I know I am going to meet tons of people out there. My life is finally starting to take the shape of my destiny.

Camping

The camping trip was exactly what the doctor ordered. I got to meet a new circle of friends. None that I will ever be that close with myself, but new people are still a nice change of scenery. Being out in the forest gave me the perfect opportunity to stop and think about things.

The first night jordan and I left for Joanna's house. On the way there I realized I left my sleeping bag at home so I stopped by a fred meyer and bought a new one. Its this really sweet green color with a black V on it. It really was a good buy, its far warmer than my old sleeping bag. I did however forget my pillow so I had to do without.

Once Mike showed up at Jo's we packed everyone into her jetta and got on the road. The car was absolutely packed. Jordan and I were in back with all the gear that wouldnt fit in the trunk. We were sitting on three sleeping bags and had our backpacks in our laps. There was barely room to breath back there. I tried to listen to my iPod so I didnt have to listen to their music but my iPod had broken :( Joanna's driving scared me from the start but I had no idea what I was about to get into. Shes a totally crazy driver. At one point she was taking the offramp off I-84 at 70 mph with a full car plus several hundred lbs of gear. It was the first rain in a while so the road was slippery too. We started out taking that offramp halfway on the inside shoulder and by the time the road went straight again we were half way onto the outside shoulder with the tires screeching. An accident didnt really scare me so much, it was the impending doom that was the 5 gallon propane tank in the trunk that would blow us all to hell if she flipped the car. She would take many other turns like that on the way. I never want to drive with her again.

I decided to quickly send a text out to all my friends that I was probably not going to make it to tomorrow. Most of them responded with concern. I was actually really disappointed in priscilla, later she told me that she thought I was just saying crazy shit was going down, but even if thats all it is, its still crazy shit, a friend would be concerned if crazy shit was going down. But I guess I have come to expect that from her. To some extent shes a cool friend, but other times it seems like she goes out of her way to ignore me, which really just pisses me off.

Once we finally got there I got to meet the whole group. It was pretty much 4 girls and their respective boyfriends. The 4 girls have been a circle of friends since way back when, kind of like the sisterhood of traveling pants.

Linda-The only of the group I knew before hand. Shes pretty cool, very intelligent but still fun.
(Jordan)- My friend since third grade and boyfriend to Linda. I think the two of them are probably the best couple of everyone.

Joanna-The "Mom" of the group, she sets all the plans in motion and makes things happen. Shes also only 21, owns 2 houses, a few cars, and works for a bank. Everything about her screams motherly, her voice, attitude, laugh, everything.
(Mike)-Hes only been dating Joanna for a few months but he seems pretty stable. Hes mostly softspoken but he isnt shy either. His character is kind of an anomaly. I dont know how the two of them got together, he doesnt seem very much like a fatherly figure but they seem like they have been together forever, I was surprised to find out they had only been together a few months.

Erika-Im not really sure what to make of her. She makes a lot of stupid decisions, has a ton of facial peircings, she looks like the wife of the guy that sells blow to travoltas character in pulp fiction. She has a bit of a short temper and is easily offended. I kind of feel like I have to walk on pins and needles around her.
(Jeff)- Erika's boyfriend of one month. Jeff is the picture of a hippy in the 60s. Hes done every drug there is and likes to drink, this however doesnt make him unintelligent. He is a very smart guy if for no other reason than his life experiences. I actually liked hanging out with and chatting with jeff the most, until he tried to keep everyone awake all night on the second night. Not fun to have someone outside your tent talking to you when you are trying to sleep.

Mai-Lin- Nerdiest of the group. She likes anime, WoW, cats, nightmare before christmas. Currently single, at least for all intensive purposes. She has an "online" boyfriend that lives in georgia that she has never met irl. It was weird talking to her, she has all the same sort of outlooks on things and general thoughts as I do. It felt like I was talking to myself from one year ago. She is 21 but still very much seems like an 18 year old.

The group was a ton of fun. The second night mai-lin let me borrow her pillow since she had an air-matress. Thank god, the ground was killing me, Im still sore. A side note: Her pillow smelled like shampoo and noodles. A plesent aroma to fall asleep to if ever there was one. That night I had at least 5 different dreams, I couldnt really remember any of them but one. I was sleeping in my dream and I woke up to find two people I dont know watching me sleeping in a room that was very metallic. I dont know who they are, but if my other dreams have anything say in it then Id add that I will probably meet them in 2-4 years.

The second day we were there jordan, linda and I went on a hike around beautiful timothy lake. We found a tree with testicles. We chatted about a bunch of different things, I cant really recall them all now but it was the most I have ever spoken with linda before. When we got back I wrote some things down in a notebook I had brought so that I would remember to think about them later. They were:

What is it about a campfire that people can just stare at it for hours without saying a word? It just draws you into it somehow.

Consider exploring intent and projecting it in different ways

And then the dream thing.


After we had returned home jordan and I were talking about the whole event and how we both really needed it to get away from the house. Somehow we got on the topic of lindas friends. I had met the best of them, she has lots of other friends, but none of the others are really all that close, and they are all pretty crazy and bad friends in one way or the other. Thats the thing he said. "she has 3 or 4 friends that actually genuinly care about her". That got me thinking. Do I have any friends like that? Yeah I do.
Jordan
Tamsin
Zaamen
Alex
I have plenty of other "friends" but none of the others genuinely care about me. Which got me to thinking, I realized that I am the kind of person who genuinely cares about all of my friends, thats just who I am, the caregiver. But Ive been feeling lately like people are just returning my friendship with negativity and generally just ignoring me. I came to an impass. I dont want to have these negative friendships, but I really want to stay close to these people. I wasnt really sure what to do.
The night ended with those thoughts on my mind.

Before Camping

Before the camping trip I was feeling pretty crappy. I had just been laid off, three of my housemates are moving out and I feel like Im running out of time to find new people or a new place.

I decided that I needed to stop and relax so I picked up Final Fantasy IX again.
It was good to get back into a game that was just a game. Something with a beginning and an end. I know I am going to be having less time than ever to enjoy those games.

I was feeling really tired of dealing with my friends. Sean and Brennan have both been very negative to me lately and priscilla has constantly been brushing me off. I want to stay their friends but I am getting tired of putting so much energy into the friendships and getting nothing in return.

I had lunch with my family that night as it was my fathers birthday. For the most part the evening was full of my mother and sister bickering back and fourth like children, with me and my dad popping in every now and again with comedic remarks. I told my parents about my dreams having people in them I didnt know yet but have met. My mom said she isnt surprised, apparently my grandmother had a strong spychic sense about her. I didnt really get to ask for more detail because I noticed my dad looking rather lost and surprised. Hes a hard core christian, I didnt want to bring up such mystic ideas on his birthday. Ill have to ask more about my grandmother later.

overclocked

There is so very much to blog about right now. Before the camping trip, the trip, what I discovered, what I have decided after and also the world around me. I cant possibly address it all right now.

Memories

Virtue - You dont need a reason to help people.
Sorrow - How do you prove that you exist...? maybe we dont exist..
Dilemma - Having sworn fealty must I spend my life in servitude?
Indulgence - I do what I want! You have problem!?
Devotion - Someday I will be queen, but I will always be myself.
Despair - To be forgotten is worse than death.
Arrogance - The only dependable thing about the future is uncertainty.
Solitude - I don't wanna be alone anymore...

These were the first philosophical ideals introduced to me when I was in eighth grade and started playing through FF9. It was when I started pondering existance, servitude, the future and various other concepts, it gave me something to think about when I used to sit in my tree during recess. Its ironic that the game brings back such fond memories of my childhood even though it was not a very fond time for me. I'm going to play through it again, I think I need to reconsider the basics of these concepts. Its only natural for people to reinvent themselves every now and again, for me I feel that to keep growing as a person I need to better grasp these.

fuck life the universe and everything

Im so stressed out right now.
Sean and brennan have totally checked out. They know they are leaving in a month and have completely stopped cleaning up after themselves, on top of that they just bought a half ounce and are going to be fucked up for the next four days straight.
Kenny told me he is looking to leave the same time as them instead of later. Which means in a month and a half me and jordan need to find 2 or 3 room mates just to keep this house otherwise we have to move out. Of our main prospects duc has decided he isnt interested in the least and abe doesnt look like hes going to be ready to move out that quickly. Sam still needs to get himself a steady enough job to be able to afford moving out.
If all that werent enough, I got laid off. After of course I have already set my college schedule and a work schedule to allow for me to still do both. So now Ive got to rethink my entire college schedule, find a job that will only work me MWF or get new classes, find 3 room mates or move out and find a new place. All in a months time. And if all that werent enough I dont think I can repair my friendship with priscilla, she seems pretty pissed at me for some reason. Ive got a bunch of random shit going on during new student week, and Ive got to get my shit together for a camping trip this weekend. All in all I just got hit with a ton of bricks today. The tea isnt helping this time and I cant quiet my mind during meditation. I just want to check out and relax but I keep getting panic attacks and migraines.

Fuck me
Fuck me in the ass

FUCK!

Im so fucking stressed out. Today has been a horrible day. I just want to hide in a corner and ignore the world.

Theres a storm brewing

If the world economy is truely on the verge of collapse in the next few years, then I worry for the future of mankind. It would be one thing if it were just our nation. I would no doubt join up with sean. Our nation would need leaders like him. However if the entire world falls into the economic black hole that appears to be looming over us in the next decade then I fear not just for myself, my family, or friends, but for the entire world over. Indeed we must become a one world economy. We must shoot beyond this planet. We must become more than our ancestors... but at what cost. I woke up in a haze, I was late for work and I felt like shit. I went to work and I felt like shit. I got home and felt like shit. Then I heard the news about the banks closing, and AIG on the verge of bankruptcy and the dow losing 500 points. I hope we can recover. Im sure we can. But to make it out of the next decade we need really competent leaders in power. I see the storm..

loneliness

le sigh

Sean finally came home tonight. There is so much we have to talk about. We had made plans to go to the park tonight and discuss so many things. Him with what he discovered at the Buddhist temple and me with my self evening meditations. I was really looking forward to sharing our revelations and ideas. But later in the evening he said he wasnt going to be up that late. He started making up all kinds of excuses. And of course I knew what it meant. Not 10 minutes ago he came downstairs with brennan. Both were totally high out of their minds. Marijuana had claimed my friends once again. I hate that drug with a passion. I can get along fine with them one on one if they are high, but when sean starts skipping out on something I hold so very important so he can get high with brennan it just pisses me off. I hate to say it. But I will be happy when they move out because I wont have to be so regularly disappointed by them choosing drugs over me. Damned marijuana, Id like to kick leo's ass for getting sean into drugs. I have always told myself I want sean to be the godfather of my children... but not if he starts back into this... I want the sober sean back. I want my friend back.

Amelie

Years ago back in high school we watched Amelie in sophomore French class. I only saw the first half of it and various clips of the last half of it. I fell asleep in class a lot. I didnt really pay much attention in class, French came very naturally to me so I didnt feel I needed to. I remember Madame Albert (Albere) used to compliment me on my very natural French accent. She used to wonder how I did so well when I didnt apply myself. To me I dont really know. In fact thats not really where I wanted to go with this blog.

What this is about is that I finished watching Amelie tonight. Having now seen the whole thing I realized what a beautiful piece it is. And actually it showed me exactly what my type is. I thought back to all the girls I have ever found myself interested in. They have always been very artistic. That is important to me. I like girls with artistic expression. I like girls with hobbies that I can get into like photos and drawing. I like girls that think differently, the kind that see things others wouldnt recognize. The type whos minds seem to operate just a little differently than your typical girl. I like the cute girls, not the voluptuous amazonian goddesses that we create and call beautiful. But most importantly I like girls who have beautiful hearts. Girls that enjoy reaching out and helping people. Those are my type. Girls like Allison, Crystal, Priscilla, Heather and Natasha. These are the types I am so inspired by and these are the types I want to get to know more. I'm actually really happy I am going to PSU. It is sort of a focal point for the kind of thought I so enjoy. One day I will find an Amelie to share life with... one day.

60 going on 16

I have historically been pretty close to my bosses at work. This one particularly every now and again likes to rant to me about how old he is feeling and about his girlfriends anxiety attacks and how he doesnt think her therapist is any good. He is really easy to get going. We go back and forth discussing things and I usually give him some insight into what is probably going on in the minds of the people around him. Sound advice and the like. Today however was kind of special.

At the end he said to me, "Dave you are a really great listener and I appreciate your advice. I dont know what it is... I feel like Im looking at a 16 year old. But also like Im talking to a 60 year old that has seen as much as me. You are one of the wisest people I have ever met, but you are so young. Its like you died and came back, but retained all that wisdom." He added "Ive never seen you get upset, you are so easy going and you always do a good job. I like that about you. In fact in all the years we have worked together the only time I ever saw you get upset was when your girlfriend left you. I've been married three times and I wanted more than anything else to give you some advice to tell you that it was going to be ok and that you would make it through it, but I couldnt find the words. But.. Im proud of you."

The best part is that he is a christian, who just suggested reincarnation. Now I believe in reincarnation anyway. I didnt want to tell him that in my meditation I have seen things from before my time. Possibly from my past lives. I really dont get much love in the way of compliments, I dont really know how to take them, compliments make me blush, but I love getting them more than anything else. My boss is always ready to tell me how well I am doing. It almost makes me sad to know that I will be leaving there one day to eventually become a teacher, but being a teacher is who I am inside and if I dont become what I am then I could never live with myself.

What happens next?

There comes a time in a babies life that they become aware of necessity. Hunger and sleep. No longer are you swaying in the wind, but you actually take some control of yourself and develop your senses. Sometime after that you begin to operate on a higher level of awareness, a self awareness. At this stage you become aware of not just necessity, not just the 5 senses. But rather you become aware of what you want. You begin to start to see the world as more than what is just directly in front of you. Even after that you become further aware. You begin to see deeper. Your conscious exists somewhere between your eyes and your brain. This is when people really begin to create and identify with who they are.

Most people will operate out of this level of consciousness for the rest of their lives. Its the sort of "grown-up" part. I had heard about operating on a higher level of consciousness. One where you exist on a super planar field and your body merely becomes a tool. Similar to the experience of opening up the seventh chakra. For a friend of mine to experience this he needed to take some special drugs. I however have experienced similar things without any.

Today I experienced somewhere between where he went on his trip and where I normally operate out of. Note: without the use of any "enhancing" drugs. I was at Winco, and I just started watching the looks on every bodies faces. There was not a single happy soul in the building. Everyone had a long face, they looked defeated, downtrodden and utterly destroyed inside. There was a constant dull roar of babies crying echoing off in the distance. I overheard someone say "Put that back, we cant afford that much food". The negative energy was so great and so strong that the moment I took it all in and realized just how unhappy so much of the world was I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to puke. In that moment I became aware of the not just the feelings of everyone in a giant warehouse, but also the existance of so many people.

Normally people sort of live their lives experiencing only what directly effects them. Their jobs, their immediate friends, their family. In that moment I experienced and acknowledged the existence, feelings, and energy of enough souls to fill that winco warehouse. I was overcome with grief. I started questioning myself. Why are these people so sad? where did their lives go wrong to put them in this place? What are their life stories. In that moment I wanted to reach out to each and every person there. I wanted to ask them what happened? I wanted to know if there was anything I could do. How could I help them? What would make these people smile and dispel the negative energy in their lives? I wanted to help them. I wanted to help all of them. But there were too many. I felt completely overloaded. I wanted to save them, all of them.

If life is but a dream

What a profound few days it has been. Amidst dealing with my own fear of being alone until Im old and bitter I have also been doing a lot of soul searching and meditation. One such subject I discussed with Tam. If life is but a dream, what is the significance of dreams within the greater dream that is life? Now Tam is one of the few people I have met who has actually experienced a similar aspect of life as I have. We very in many many ways, but he actually sees experiences in a very similar light. Both tam and I have had dreams in which we saw each other. In his case he was driving his car and in the car was jennell and myself. But he had never even seen me before. In my case I was working in a computer lab with him and noticed a particularly strange mouse pad, I then moved the mouse pad to a working computer next to it. I had also, never known tam at the time of the dream. In both cases, both events would eventually happen. Exactly as they played out in the dream. Truely a rare find. I have had many dreams like this where I met people I didnt know in a dream but would later come to meet in my life. But I digress.

It is his belief that what he and I experience in our dreams are a sort of checkpoint. Like the universes way of telling us we are on the right track to whatever our destinies may hold. I actually have to say that this makes a ton of sense. First I met zaamen, then priscilla and now tam. I actually am really looking forward to the next checkpoint. This however doesnt give much answer to the dreams that appear to have nothing realistic to them. Nightmares and the like.

This bit I came to of my own accord. I believe that there is a message in our dreams, that our dreams are like signs trying to send us towards the checkpoints and letting us know just what we must do within ourselves. Telling us we need to explore what is shown to us. In my case I have been plagued by nightmares of a shadowy figure abducting all of my closest friends and then assaulting me. Ive woken up physically shaking from this nightmare. But I believe it is telling me that I must deal with my fear before I am to see the next checkpoint. I suppose only time will tell. But for now that is my answer to the significance of dreams within the greater dream that is life. They are arrows pointing us in the direction of whatever is coming next, they tell us when we are on the right path. How does our path affect our life or greater dream the next time we are reincarnated? I havent figured that one out yet.

Star Crossed Man

At night I go to clinton park. Its not too long of a walk. I go there to meditate and train. Tonight I did very little training. I mostly just watched the starlit sky. I must have seen a dozen shooting stars. Starlight starbright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may. I wish I might. Have my wish come true tonight. It never happens though. I could wish on every star in the sky and I would still be alone. Love, it seems has a way of avoiding me.

As I watched the sky I thought to myself. I would give it all up. My foresight, my wisdom, my knowledge, my revelations, my epiphanies, my ability, my strength, my everything. I would give all I am for love. Someone says why would you give up who you are for some woman? I say, "She's not just some woman.". I have known love, but I have always had to fight for it. I have always had to make it happen. Love never comes naturally to me. Yet it is the one thing I need most from this world. I once had a dream, in the dream a boy drew a knife on me and said "I would kill for her love", I looked him in the eyes and said "I would die for her love". She haunts my dreams, yet it seems so too is her love limited to that realm.

I feel that fate has conspired against me. I am a wanderer. I am alone. Growing up in a small private school I was left alone because my family had no money. At home I was alone. My parents emotionless and loveless beings. They showed their love by feeding me and keeping a roof over my head. That alone was their only way of showing love, and reason enough for them to require me to respect them. Growing up I had few or no friends. No love for or from others. But no man is an island. I can not always be a lonely wanderer. I have created friendships on the path I have cut for myself. Friendships I hold most precious. I have experienced true absolute bliss in the loving embrace of another. But that could not last. Fate it seems wanted to take her from me. Again I was alone. I keep fighting on. I called on my friendships for comradery, for companionship on the path we all shared. I had amassed a close circle of adventurers who were cutting their own paths and discovering for themselves where now to go. And just as fate would have it, they are all soon to be leaving. I find myself watching as fun filled faces disappear from around my campfire. Now there is only a few, and I ask myself... "how much longer till they leave? How much longer till I can no longer hear them saying goodbye?"
"How long will I wander before meeting new souls with which to share the experience and path of life?"

How long must I fight fates hand before I can share in loves embrace again? Life made me a lover and a caretaker, but fate has made me a wanderer. All my lives I have been a wanderer. Yet I want nothing more than to stop walking and rest for a while. Ive grown so weary of this fight, of this game. I dont want to travel lonely plains anymore. All I want is to rest and live forever in my dreams where her loves embrace finds open arms and a loving soul. Please... let me sleep and dont wake me up.

I miss them

This morning I cried while driving into work. Last night i watched bad news bears. It reminded me of my childhood. Back when I played little league baseball. Which reminded me of my nephews. I helped raise those kids for almost their entire lives. I learned to be a father figure to travis back when I was only in 6th grade. I miss jr staying up with me and falling asleep in my arms. I miss comforting Jeremiah every time mom left for work. I miss watching Travis learn to ride a bike, or swing a bat, or play his first video game. I miss making dinner for them. I miss their bad attitudes and occasional tantrums. hell, i miss changing their diapers. I miss their smiles. I miss their frowns. I miss looking into their eyes and seeing the perfect image of innocents and childhood dreams. I miss being a father.

I think I can

Sigh... Bishop, I need your level of patience. I cant imagine the things he went through. Im going to go through not really the hardest thing Ive ever gone through, but certainly the most grueling, it has potential to be the hardest. Why do I do this to myself?

What would you do if I sang out of tune?

Life never ceases to amaze me. On the last eve of a great event the sky starts falling.
This weekend was great. I loved every bit of it. From hanging out with Tam and Duc, to Priscilla and Victoria. It really was great to see Priscilla again. I cant remember when the last time was that I actually saw her. Money is going to be really really tight. Kenny is thinking about leaving too. My headaches are coming back, the rest of my body feels like it is falling apart. I really want to see a doctor. And to top it off my parents dog disappeared. Not sure if he got out of the house or crawled into a corner and died. He is really old. My mom is upset at me for it. My thoughts are all jumbled up right now. I need to sort them. I need to discover the lesson life is trying to teach me. But most importantly I need to figure out what to do about myself.

I feel like Im looking at a mixed up jigsaw puzzle. But its one of those ones you have to cross your eyes to see the picture correctly.

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me ?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone ?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you're on your own ?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you but I know it's mine,

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
with a little help from my friends.

Tom Stoppard said it best

Im not really sure when it happened. At some point she decided she just wanted me to be one of those internet friends that doesnt really keep in contact. Maybe comments on photos and such, but really has no face behind the screen name. At the same time I was wanted to expand and do things beyond the screen names. I think thats where it started to go awry. Foresight and experience tells me just how things will play out. But all the same that isnt much comfort. Its a shame really. We are far from not even chatting anymore, let alone good nights. Honestly I believe it became a matter of her not caring anymore. But that is what happens in the minds of fools and the inexperienced. There seems to be a notion that one can just drop everything and expect anything except the reality of the situation. Such foolishness has only ever been described so perfectly by tom stoppard.

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."

The sad thing is this isnt wisdom but rather an astute observation of the foolishness of human beings. I wish he had added a bit of wisdom to the message, something along the lines of reminding the world that we carry our burned bridges and that one must eventually come to terms with the baggage. I think I am beginning to see the disgusting side of nature that always seems to bother sean.

Oh well, this is no time to stay up late. School startup is always so chaotic, but this time my car broke down :(

Stupid cooling fan.

Here I am. Alone in this big house.
Sean and brennan are at a Buddhist monetary, kenny is staying the week at sarahs and jordan is staying the night at lindas. Im alone in this huge house. Its not fear that grips me. No. Its an increased sense of emptiness. I just dont want to be alone anymore. :*(

I hate these nights

Its nights like these I wish I had a place to go. A bar at the end of the universe with a barkeep named joe. A bar with low lights a few pool tables and a jukebox with all the sad songs. A bar with just a few other souls that keep to themselves. I hate these nights.

I need to get out more

Jerald called me up today. He wanted me to call up "some hotty" off my contacts to go bowling with jerald, his wife, and a bunch of other people. I had to turn him down. I didnt feel much like being in a large group of couples I didnt know. Actually it was mostly because I dont have anyone I could bring to such a thing. Sure I could have called some people I havent been in contact with for years, but instead I just told him I was a mess and needed to shower and shave instead. I am again reminded of loneliness. Im tired of being along. Im tired of not having someone to take out on social occasions. Im tired of being alone. Sean once told me I wasnt alone, but in reality I am. I do live with 4 other housemates but I rarely see or get to socialize with them anymore. No man can be an island forever. I need to get out more. : (

Every Little Things Ganna Be Alright

Where do I start?
I need to find a way to separate the friendship feelings and the romantic feelings. I dont think I can stop loving her. But it wouldnt be fair to her to hold onto feelings she doesnt reciprocate. I still very much want to be her friend. And I want to see her happy, more than anything else in the world. I feel like my heart is screaming at me because I love her and am willing to let her be happy with someone else. I feel like my mind is screaming at me to hold onto the romantic feelings because its so improbable that a relationship between them could last at all. Logically it says, he is young and foolish, he is still in highschool, she is going to be in college and getting a job, they will never see each other, he is christian she is buddhist his faith wont allow for such a thing. Doubt doubt doubt. I spent about an hour and a half walking and talking with sean tonight. I feel very much relieved of the pain and doubt. I know that I need to make peace within myself, within my heart and my mind, and my soul. This is something I can do. This is something I will do. I will do it for my own sanctity of mind. I will do it for my future friendship with her. I will do it because I want her to be happy. But also because I want to be able to feel happy for her.

Sean and I still have some things we need to discuss. I will talk with him tomorrow about them. As a side note I have decided I want to start going to the buddhist temple nearby for my meditations. And I want to speak with a mystic, at least to hear what he has to say. Tonight has been a very interesting night. I will find sleep easier this time. Though I hope to see more moonlight soon.

Dram-o-rama

Sigh. Drama at the 6446. I sent sean an email today giving him a piece of my mind. I know he respects me enough to follow up with me. I just have to wait a few days for him to sober up. Sometimes it really sucks being so close to someone who smokes weed...

This afternoon she actually made contact with me. What a joke. I feel like if I ask what she is feeling like, or what she is thinking or even how her day is that she will think I am being clingy. I honestly dont feel like I can talk to her anymore without her lying to me anyway. I hate to say it. But I cant trust her anymore. Oh well, these things happen.

On the plus side of things, I do feel like I am getting to be better friends with Duc. I wonder if he will teach me his l33t sewing skills.

Sigh, I am reminded of dj bobos the games people play:


Vers 1:
Oh the games people play now - Every night and every day now
Never meaning what they say now - Never saying what they mean yeah
And they wile away the hours - In their ivory towers
Till they covered up with flowers - In the back of a black limousine

Chorus:
Na na na na na na na na - Na na na na na na na na
Talking ?bout you and me - And the games people play

Vers 2:
Oh we make one another cry - Break a heart and we say goobye
Cross our hearts and we hope to die - That the other was to blame

Neither one will give in - So we gaze at our eight by ten
Thinking ?bout the things that might have been - It's a dirty rotten shame

Chorus: 2x
Na na na na na na na na - Na na na na na na na na
Talking ?bout you and me - And the games people play

Midpart:
The games people play - The games people play
The games people play - The games people play

Vers 3:
Look around tell me what you see - What's happening to you and me
God bring me the serenity - To remember who I am

?Cause you've given up your sanity - For your pride and your vanity
Turns you sad on humanity - And you don't give a na na na na na na


Oh well. Things get better.
...I wonder when the moon will come out again.

A small piece of the last week

I have spent the better part of the last week spending as much time as possible with my house mates and friends. It had been so long since I reached out to them for social interaction.

I had a conversation with zaamen today. I never knew he operated on the social levels of me and sean. We had a deep heart to heart. A real bonding experience. I never gave him enough credit. He has become very similar to me. He knows who he is. He is the guy that makes life better for those around him, he likes to make people feel good. I like to be mr reliable. I am the guy that you can rely on. Like me, he has discovered that he doesnt want many relationships, he just wants to be with one person. He is having a bit of a tiff with his girlfriend right now. She is asking for space. But he loves her and will give it to her if she wants. But all he cares about right now is her. I feel I am in the same boat. There is a girl I love, but all she wants is space from me. We havent spoken in days. I love her, but she needs time to discover somethings about herself. And even when she does. She wouldnt come back to me. Ive gone over it again and again in my head. She told me she sees no future with us. I tell myself there is no future with us. But somehow, I just cannot simply accept that someone I met in a dream, someone I have these feelings for, someone who so greatly inspires me, could have no place in the future with me. The thoughts of her have even invaded my open mind meditation. I've spent 4 years doing open mind meditation in a tree, yet I can not silence the voice in my heart. My heart is speaking so loudly that it is even getting through my meditation silence. This is going to take some time. No doubt she isnt going to contact me again until kcon, but somehow Im not expecting to see much of her then either.
Normally something like this would just crush me. However I've learned that you can not treat every thing as a life or death matter, because you will die many times. Instead I spend time with my friends. Somehow if I keep my mind occupied I can shut out the voice in my heart. This however is emotionally destructive and I know I need to find a healthier way to deal with my emotional frustrations. Why cant I fall for a girl who is a complete person? Why do I always fall in love with the girls that treat me bad? One day. One day I will find someone who actually cares and isnt afraid of their own shadow.

The distance

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line
Engines pumping and thumping in time
The green light flashes, the flags go up
Churning and burning they yearn for the cup

They deftly manuver and muscle for rank
Fuels burning fast on an empty tank
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern

As they speed through the finish, the flags go down
The fans get up and they get out of town
The arena is empty except for one man
Still driving and striving as fast as he can

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
Not long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's driving and striving an hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for who he still burns

He's going the distance
He's going for speed
She's all alone, all alone, all alone in a time of need

Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse
He's going the distance

No trophies, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no lime
He's haunted by something he cannot define
Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse
Assail him and bail him with monster truck force

In his mind he's still driving, still making the grade
She's hoping in time that her memories will fade
'Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
Not long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for who he still burns

'Cause he's going the distance,
He's going for speed
She's all alone
All alone
All alone
In a time of need

Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse
He's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and ridding on his horse
He's going the distance
He's going for speed
He's going the distance

I never realized what this song was about until recently.
On an unrelated note, I have found myself a little disappointed.
I wanted to repair our relationship and be close like we were before.
But she wanted to make distance, instead she would rather I
became like one of her classmates from highschool, someone
she doesnt really see. Someone she chats with on occasion but
doesnt really have any insight. I can see it in her responses.
Which I can deal with. Having worked in a professional field for so many
years you meet all kinds of great people. They leave eventually and
say, "lets not lose contact". But you always do. This reminds me of
one of those times. We will eventually lose contact. Oh well.
These are the lessons I must learn from life.

Inspiration from an amazing friend

I have always been gifted with a strong sense of foresight and common sense. I told myself back before she finished high school that now wasnt the right time, that I had met her too soon. That was before I had feelings for her. When I first met her I said to myself. Wow, I cant believe the latent potential of this girl. I would later have a de ja vu about a dream I had had many long months before even discovering her. I also have the unfortunate vice of being impatient. I thought to myself then, that I had met her too soon. That I should come back and grow my friendship with her later after she had sorted out the various skeletons that she had not told me about, but I could tell were within. After all has been said and done. Perhaps I should have waited till even after this time to be friendly with her. But at the same time out of my impatience I feel I was able to have a strong influence in her remarkable personal growth. Even with our last conversation tonight I am amazed and inspired by how well she was able to bring herself to understand my position while still telling her own. She really is very amazing. I hope I will meet someone else like her while at PSU, someone that will go beyond friendship. But until then, she is the most cognate, inspiring friend to me right now. I hope our friendship lasts. She really is one in a million.

I cant sleep. I cant get over the fact that she lied to me. I cant believe that she would be interested in a guy who has groped her. Thats disrespect, thats sexual harassment. That is straight telling her that he wants her body. God damnit. Doesnt she see? You can get sex in any relationship. Love is the goal, not sex. This guy doesnt love her, hes just physically attracted to her. Oh god, please dont let her fall for such a dirt bag. It would be one thing if he actually loved her, all there is here is sexual tension.

Im calling it right here, right now.

I realized why it the news stung so hard. Its because I was never given a shot. She just pushed me away even though she had the feelings. Yet now that I have helped her past so much of her troubles she is optimistic towards others, but here I am, still waiting for my turn to show her what it is to really be loved, not this crush and infatuated bs she is going to experience in what shes about to do.

I realized something. When I met her, she was still a scared girl. When we went to the japanese gardens I asked her if she picked that spot as a romantic spot. That must have been what scared her. After that she wouldnt meet me outside of a large group. She was afraid that I would get close to her.

However on her trip to japan she was forced to be in close regular contact with others for 3 weeks. She mistakes those close three weeks as something special because she has never been in such a situation, she found she liked it, but if they had taken out the being in japan aspect then she wouldnt be anywhere near where she is now. If I had just not said anything and she and I had hung out for such a long amount of time this wouldnt be happening. Unfortunately I didnt realize that she would react the way she did. And I didnt realize the way she reacted until it was too late. Now she will forever have a predisposition towards any possible future relationship. Even if I hang on as a friend I dont think she will ever get over that she pushed me out of her heart and be able to see beyond into what could be. There years can only tell for certain. But I hope one day she will be able to see beyond all this. Hell bishops wife wouldnt date him for 6 years before finally giving it a shot, now she is happily married with a bright future.

I dont know anymore... should I try to stick it out and see if she and I can patch things up later, or is it worth all the pain and mental anguish? Thats a simple answer... she is worth it. Every last bit of it. And I would go through this all over again if I had a shot to make her happy. Alright... Ill stick this one out. Time to dry my eyes and let the world start spinning again.

moonless nights

The last two nights have been completely moonless. Where is the moon when I need it most? I havent been eating, I cant keep anything down right now. Damnit sean, I need a shoulder, why are you always intoxicated when I need you most.

I dont think she is talking to me anymore. Its 1 am and nothing from her, I think shes doesnt care anymore about the little things, I think she doesnt want to tell me what shes been up to or thinking about, or plans for the next day. Perhaps she thinks that not telling me anything will save me some pain, but the truth is her silence hurts just as much as her lies. I can tell when she is hiding things from me, I can see right through her.

Im getting tired of all this. I wonder sometimes how I know and work with so many single people in their 30s and I realize that its because the world is full of stupid people who dont know themselves, full of people who are too weak to allow themselves to recognize love when it comes. I tell myself this is all for the better, that this way I wont be the one in the relationship that ultimately fails. She once said she wasnt going after anyone she didnt feel she was in love with, and now she goes after two guys she has crushes on. What bad luck was it that I met her when she listened to fear. I am getting tired of all this. I need to get over her. She hurt me, and I still love her, but I need to see beyond that. I however think that no matter what she will never see me as a friend again. Instead as an acquaintance that she deals with sometimes. When will I fall for a girl with her heart in the right place?

Thanks

I dodged a bullet
Thanks Anthony, I hope this works.

Lets make a deal

It has bothered me all day. I havent been able to think straight. I feel so drained today. So very tired. I spent a lot of time thinking today. I realized something. She was the first girl I ever actually felt I wanted to grow old with. I have loved before, but I had never thought that way about the others. She was different somehow. I would see older ladies everywhere I went today, and all I could think of was growing old with her. Im so very tired, so very drained, but it looks like its going to be a late night. I made a deal.

Dealing with it

By chance I found her
She was everything
I wanted
Everything
I needed
But someone had gotten to her first
Before I met her
Someone managed to hurt her
I can freely admit that I love her
Just the way she is
But she will not let me mend her broken heart

Perhaps I am a fool for what I said today
But I can not force her to heal what
She wants to hide

I regret nothing

I lay in bed thinking to myself. I think, where have the last 6 months gone. 6 months ago I met her. At first we spent weekends back to back hanging out with each other, enjoying the pleasure of each others company. But somewhere along the line she ruled me out. She just got back from a 3 week trip to japan. She has found herself having a crush on some of the guys she met. I wonder to myself. What does it take to be in her thoughts? Ive grown so attached to her the last few months. She contacted me when she was scared she lost her brother, she talked to me when she needed to rant about her parents, or her classmates, or whatever. I find myself in a difficult position. I know she doesnt have any feelings for me at all. And that hurts, a lot. I've found myself trying to push the thoughts of her out of my mind as they arrive. She is so kind, she is so fun, shes been in my dreams even before I met her, she is so very much exactly what Ive been looking for. But I am not that to her. It seems having a big heart, and being reliable isnt enough anymore. Perhaps it was the times I made her cry with insensitive words. Perhaps I should have waited longer. Perhaps I met her too soon.

As I lay in bed I try to push her out of my thoughts. I tell myself she isnt interested in hanging out or sharing classes anymore. I tell myself that I need to get over her. And its true, I do need to get over her. But its not something I can do in one sitting. I cant just remove the feelings I have for her. Its not as easy as a pressing the delete button. I cant just cold turkey. I need to accept that she sees nothing in me and that she will find someone else.

Love is such a cruel mistress. I regret nothing.